What elements contribute to a “good” friendship? Whether you’re forming new connections or nurturing long-term bonds, the responses can be as diverse as our individual personalities and life stories.
Defining Good Friends
Jill Bodak, an osteopath and acclaimed author of Loved Into Being (2022), believes that a true friendship embodies an authentic connection, characterized by meaningful advice or hearty laughter.
Brooke Gordon, an executive coach and the creator of Best for Women, highlights the importance of accountability and intentionality, which includes providing honest feedback, even when it’s difficult to deliver.
When envisioning a good friend, Lyn-Marie Farley, founder and principal consultant of Narratives Coaching & Consulting, describes a relationship built on “multi-dimensional love,” characterized by uplifting support, tenderness, and trust.
For Seán Kinsella, director of the Eighth Fire at Centennial College, being good friends means cultivating a genuine “good relationship” with one another.
Busy Lives
According to Gordon, with the increasing demands of our schedules, personal commitments, and professional goals, the value of friendships as a vital support system can easily be overlooked.
Bodak notes that maintaining both new and existing friendships requires making time to connect regularly.
Radical Acceptance
Kinsella emphasizes that friendship involves the radical acceptance of individuals as they are, along with patience and vulnerability over time. They reflect on a Cree saying that states it takes “1,000 cups of tea, coffee, or ‘Timmies’” to truly know someone, underscoring the gradual nature of relationship-building.
Intentional Communication
Farley advocates for being deliberate in her friendships. This includes everything from spontaneous calls to texts letting friends know she’s thinking of them, sharing posts on social media, and sending humorous voice messages. She encourages practicing active listening and celebrating both significant and small victories together.
Establishing Boundaries
Bodak emphasizes that “good friends” maintain clear agreements regarding what is acceptable and what is not, which creates a safe and trustworthy friendship. When dynamics change, true friends respect new boundaries and requests.
Evolving Friendships
Gordon notes that in childhood, friendships often come easily due to shared environments like classrooms and playgrounds. However, nurturing friendships can become significantly more challenging in adulthood.
Navigating Difficult Times
Bodak mentions that like any relationship, friendships can face adversity. Acknowledging imperfections and working through challenges is essential for building resilience in friendships. Common challenges can stem from physical distance, miscommunication, and the natural cycles of closeness and distance.
Emphasizing Accountability
Bodak asserts that “friends hold each other accountable” and need to make an effort to stay in touch, especially when life becomes hectic or when one person is facing difficulties. Gordon elaborates that accountability may involve “apologizing when necessary, managing conflicts constructively, and navigating misunderstandings together.”
Understanding Cultural Differences
Farley, who was raised in Barbados, reflects on the importance of community and group friendships. She notes that this contrasts with the more individualistic approach prevalent in Canada, where friendships often revolve around one-on-one interactions.
Exploring Gender Dynamics
Kinsella discusses the varying expectations placed on different genders within a colonial, patriarchal framework, noting that caregiving roles tend to be predominantly assigned to women. However, they emphasize that everyone shares the responsibility of nurturing and developing friendships, regardless of gender identity.
The Need for Human Connection
Bodak emphasizes the reality of a “loneliness epidemic,” stressing that our physical presence—through close interactions, eye contact, playful activities, and shared hobbies—is essential for our well-being, with tangible health benefits that reduce illness risk.
Maintaining Long-Distance Relationships
Gordon emphasizes the positive role of digital communication tools, like email and group chats, in keeping friendships alive despite physical distance. Kinsella adds that while technology may not replace in-person interactions or the depth of real-life relationships, it can effectively facilitate connection during times when meeting in person isn’t feasible, such as during the COVID pandemic.
Modeling Friendships
Bodak reflects on being a role model for her child, stressing the importance of showcasing that love and joy in friendships are not just for children but also for adults, illustrating a sense of belonging in a larger community. Kinsella asserts that fundamentally, humans are relational beings and thrive on a variety of profound, meaningful relationships.
This article first appeared in the September 2024 issue of up7op magazine.
