By Deborah Dobbs, MA | Contributor
In A Grief Observed, C.S. Lewis expressed, “Grief is like the sky. It covers everything,” reflecting on the feelings that accompany an ordinary day. The holiday season tends to amplify our sorrow. If this is your first holiday without a beloved one, the grief can feel even heavier.
One of the most significant lessons I’ve learned about losing someone dear is that the relationship does not end. We continue to converse with our loved ones in our thoughts, much like an internal dialogue. Though your loved one has passed, your love for them endures. They may not be physically present, but the bond lives on in your memories and within your heart.
The pain is unavoidable, especially during the winter holidays, which can intensify feelings of loss. I don’t claim to offer a solution that will erase grief. However, I can share some strategies that have provided comfort to others, which may assist you in navigating this difficult time.
Acknowledge Your Emotions
There is no limit to how many tears you can shed. You may cry none at all or be overwhelmed enough to fill an entire bucket. Allow yourself to weep when you are sad, to express anger vocally, or to laugh heartily at a cherished memory. Grant yourself the freedom to experience whatever emotions arise, without self-judgment.
Create New Traditions
Look for meaningful and genuine ways to incorporate your loved one into the holiday season. Light a candle in their honor. If singing was a shared joy, belt out a song as if they were with you. Prepare their favorite meal. Write them a letter. Volunteer or donate to a cause they cared about. If you have a Christmas tree, consider adding a new ornament in their memory. The possibilities are endless; choose what feels right for you.
Honor Your Loved One During Gatherings
During any gathering you host, take a moment to raise a toast in memory of your loved one. You could also invite your guests to share in a special activity: ask them to bring a note that recounts their favorite memory of your departed. (You can provide paper and pens for your guests when they arrive.) Let them know that their eloquence isn’t important. Collect these memories in a bowl or basket placed on your loved one’s favorite chair or at the dining table. At an appropriate time, read the memories aloud. This inclusive activity can provide healing for you and others who are mourning.
Allow Yourself to Enjoy a Moment
Give yourself the chance to consider the possibility of savoring a moment without your deceased loved one. For now, this might be all you can manage. When you feel ready to move forward, one enjoyable moment can lead to a pleasant morning. That morning could evolve into a delightful afternoon, which in turn could extend to an enjoyable evening. It’s within reach—maybe not today, but someday.
Recognize Our Resilience
We are inherently built to overcome challenges. Although the holidays may never feel the same, that doesn’t mean they will lack joy.
Seek Professional Support
You may find it beneficial to have someone help you navigate the complexities of grief. Experienced professionals understand the intricacies of grief, yet they realize that everyone experiences it uniquely. They won’t tire of hearing your story, compare your loss to their own, or offer trivial solutions (the typical “you just need to [fill in the blank]”). They will provide practical strategies and understand that grief isn’t something you “fix.” It is something you live through, and everyone’s experience is different.
Editors Note: Debbie Dobbs is the Executive Director of The Counseling Place, a nonprofit organization that offers affordable professional and educational services and counseling. Reach her at 469.283.0242 or counselingplace.org.
