Understanding Parental Love and Its Boundaries
By Dr. Dean Beckloff | Contributor
We cherish our children immensely. We eagerly await their first steps, their first words, and all the moments that celebrate their growth. From their first soccer games to their initial experiences in school, which we proudly share on social media, we are thoroughly enamored with our kids. This deep love for our children is entirely natural and something to be celebrated.
Recognizing When Adoration Becomes Overstepping
However, at what point does our adoration turn into something inappropriate? When do our aspirations for them shift from being supportive to becoming demands they feel compelled to meet? When does guiding our kids toward excellence morph into imposing our ambitions on them instead of facilitating their journey to become their authentic selves?
We observe various parents crossing the line—those who yell from the sidelines at their child for making an error during a game, or those who go as far as to assist their child in dishonest practices to gain acceptance into prestigious colleges, as recently highlighted in the news. Any parent who transitions from encouragement to shouting has likely overstepped.
The Fear that Drives Parental Actions
Why do some parents cross these boundaries? Fear often lies at the root of many of our overreactions as parents. For instance, consider Felicity Huffman—what led her to take extreme measures by cheating for her daughter? It stemmed from fear. Fear that her daughter would not gain admission to her desired college or that she wouldn’t achieve a high enough score. Fear can be a powerful motivator, pushing parents to exert excessive pressure on their children or even lead them to engage in criminal behavior for their child’s sake.
The Impact of Parental Fear on Children
What are the consequences of this fear-driven behavior? When parents succumb to anxiety regarding their child’s future, they often transition from encouraging their child to inadvertently undermining their confidence. For example, Huffman’s daughter reportedly asked her mother, “Didn’t you believe in me?” Such actions communicate that potential failure is something to be feared and that their child may not be capable of handling setbacks productively. Crossing this line compromises a child’s ability to develop essential resilience in the face of life’s challenges.
The Risks of Overstepping Boundaries
Ultimately, parents risk even greater losses by infringing upon their children’s aspirations. By shifting from encouragement to commandeering their teen’s dreams, parents can deepen the rift in their relationships. This tension can lead to anger, depression, anxiety, behavioral issues, and academic struggles. It also risks fracturing familial bonds. Adolescents naturally begin to grow independent of their parents, a process psychologists refer to as “individuation.” When parents overreach in controlling their teen’s ambitions, it can exacerbate tension and frustration, creating a negative cycle that begets further negativity.
Encouraging Independence and Affirmation
It is normal for parents to worry about their children. Caring deeply can lead to actions that may push boundaries. However, it’s crucial to remember that our role is to nurture our teens, helping them become the individuals they wish to be. We must provide encouragement and affirmation. When your teen expresses interest in joining the military while you had envisioned them pursuing a law career, resist the urge to panic. Support them in chasing their aspirations—not your own. When facing challenges like the SAT, remain calm. Should they fall short, they will still benefit from your encouragement to try again.
Let’s affirm our teens and genuinely believe in their potential. Above all, let’s trust in their strength and their ability to rise, recover from setbacks, and persist in their efforts.
Editor’s Note: Dr. Dean Beckloff is a pediatric therapist, school counselor, and trainer who specializes in assisting children and families through divorce and other life challenges. He is the founder of the Beckloff Behavioral Center in Dallas. To contact Dr. Beckloff for questions, comments, or consultations, reach out to the Beckloff Pediatric Behavioral Center: DrBeckloff.com / 972.250.1700
