Four Steps to Nurture Your Child’s “I Am Enough” Belief
By Dr. Sandy Gluckman | Contributor
Every parent aspires for their children to reach their fullest potential. We motivate, support, and guide them to help them become everything they are capable of achieving. Given this, one would expect our children to possess emotional strength and resilience, displaying boldness and confidence.
However, it has been frequently discussed that a significant emotional crisis of our times is that many children struggle with the internal belief of “I’m not enough.”
The pain stemming from this belief is profound, impacting every aspect of a child’s life. Daily, I encounter children and teenagers who experience emotional, academic, and physical distress because they feel incapable of meeting the expectations of their parents and educators; at times, they even feel inadequate for the world itself.
What is striking is that these children are surrounded by loving parents. Yet, they still grapple with inner turmoil! Why is this? It appears that despite our best intentions, we may inadvertently convey to our children that they need to improve. Clearly, this is not the message we mean to send, but it is indeed what the children perceive. The more we push them to excel, improve, or conform, the more they internalize the notion, “I am not enough.”
By putting pressure on our children to achieve or gain popularity, we paradoxically hinder their ability to discover their own greatness in a way that feels authentic and motivating to them.
The Four Common Missteps Parents Make Unknowingly
Misstep #1
In our desire for our kids to succeed, we focus extensively on what they are not doing well, while neglecting to praise the multitude of remarkable traits and achievements they already possess. I refer to this as “inflammatory parenting.” We may become preachy, engage in lengthy discussions, and reiterate our points excessively—sending both subtle and overt messages indicating that they are insufficient. This heightens children’s stress levels, ultimately hurting their spirit, body, and mind.
Misstep #2
We often attempt to “fix” our children rather than addressing our own issues. It may be hard to recognize, but our intense desire for our child’s success often stems from our own feelings of inadequacy. My research indicates that children who do not feel good about themselves often have one or both parents who also struggle with feelings of being unworthy. Children are attuned to our emotions! Therefore, if we wish to foster confidence in our children, we must embody that confidence ourselves.
Misstep #3
We assume that by frequently stating how wonderful they are, our children will ultimately embrace this affirmation and build a strong self-esteem. However, attempting to convince them does not yield positive results. In fact, this approach can often frustrate them and lead to withdrawal or anger towards us.
Misstep #4
We permit traditional healthcare providers to address any symptoms our children exhibit without investigating and addressing the underlying causes. Contemporary medicine teaches that resolving the root issue leads to the alleviation of symptoms.
How can you tell when you may be pressuring your children too much and unintentionally instilling feelings of inadequacy?
If your children are grappling with feelings of “not being good enough,” they might:
• Speak negatively about themselves, possibly stating, “I am not good enough.”
• Set excessively high standards for themselves.
• Criticize themselves severely and be overly hard on themselves.
• Feel apprehensive about attempting new things due to fear of failure.
• Develop perfectionist tendencies to ensure they meet perceived expectations.
• Experience stress-related physical symptoms, including headaches, gastrointestinal issues, eczema, and asthma among other possibilities.
Four Action Steps to Foster Your Child’s “I Am Enough” Belief
1) If your children exhibit several of these signs, recognize it as a signal that you might be exerting too much pressure on them. Avoid dismissing these behaviors as typical adolescent issues. Not every teenager suffers from low self-esteem or exhibits extreme self-criticism or perfectionism.
2) Begin by refraining from self-blame as a parent. Feeling guilty only induces stress, and stressed parents contribute to stressed children. Acknowledge that you have always done your best as a parent and commit to making adjustments in your parenting approach.
3) Reflect on whether you might be pushing too hard because you desire your child to perform in ways that positively reflect on you.
4) Initiate Healing Conversations by implementing the 5-1 rule. This involves ensuring that your child hears five positive messages from you for every one negative comment on any given day. Observe and acknowledge the wonderful traits your children possess and communicate that these qualities are what make them unique. The rationale behind the 5-1 rule is that with five affirmatives to one negative, a child’s brain begins to assimilate a new belief… “I am Enough.” Practice this for 21 days, and you may be astonished by the transformation in both yourself and your children. You will start to see your kids with less judgment, appreciate their intrinsic wonder, experience reduced stress, and witness your children becoming calmer and happier.
Editor’s Note: Dr. Sandy Gluckman is a specialist in learning and behavior, assisting parents of tweens and teens facing attention, behavioral, or mood challenges in finding drug-free solutions. Contact her at 972.758.1246 or sandy@gluckmangroup.com. www.drsandygluckman.com
