By Chris Oldner | Contributor
The most exciting phrase in the English language for a school-aged child: School’s out for the summer! No more assignments, no more early bedtimes just to wake up early, finally, LIBERATION! However, for a single parent or a blended family, the idyllic summer experience that was once enjoyed can quickly turn into a logistical nightmare filled with scheduling conflicts and differing goals with an ex.
We all recognize that summer—and accompanying summer activities—waits for no one. Frequently, events like band camp, soccer matches, and swimming lessons clash with your custody arrangements. And just when there are no structured activities to navigate, your young teens or preteens want to hang out with friends or simply play video games instead of spending quality time with their parent.
As children grow older, it is absolutely natural and healthy for them to seek more independence, wanting to spend time with friends rather than with their parents during summer breaks. However, for a parent already managing limited time with their child, this natural quest for autonomy can turn into a complex balancing act. On one side, you acknowledge their need for independence. Yet on the other, you want to cherish quality time before they leave the nest.
So, how do we convert a potentially chaotic situation into a fulfilling summer experience?
Open Lines of Communication
Though it may be challenging for many of us, it’s vital to maintain open and honest communication with our teens. Set aside a quiet time and space to discuss plans for the time together. Be receptive to their desires and needs. Stay flexible, but also share what you hope to do. Integrate activities they enjoy, possibly even including their friends for suitable outings. Express how much they mean to you and always encourage them to have enjoyable moments with their other parent. It’s acceptable to share that you miss them while they’re not around, but avoid making them feel guilty for spending time away from you.
If the relationship allows, it can be beneficial to invite the other parent into the conversation. A joint discussion with both parents to collaboratively address scheduling obstacles can be helpful, provided it doesn’t lead to disagreement or hurt feelings. As your children mature, involving them in summer scheduling decisions can make them feel empowered; however, they should never be caught in the middle of any disputes or feel they are making choices between parents. Ensuring their voices are heard and respected reinforces your regard for your children, yet you remain the adult. Ultimately, the final decision rests with you.
Reassess the Visitation Agreement
Sometimes these discussions reveal that the existing visitation setup no longer suits your family’s needs. Remember that family court orders are not permanent. If there have been significant changes in circumstances, you can revisit that arrangement to find a solution that works for you, your ex, and your teenager. Seeking guidance from a knowledgeable attorney or mediator is crucial in this process. If an agreement cannot be reached and you find yourself back in court, rest assured that family court judges recognize the necessity for adjustments as children transition into their teenage years.
Ultimately, what’s most important is what serves your child best. Teenagers are in the process of discovering their preferences, their identities, and their aspirations in life. Parts of this journey involve navigating difficult paths. There’s no quick fix to simplify matters for you or your child. However, maintaining open and honest communication among all parties is essential. Who knows, you might transform a challenging summer schedule into a wonderful summer experience.
Editor’s Note: Judge Chris Oldner is Of Counsel in the Family Law boutique Orsinger, Nelson, Downing & Anderson, LLP, where he aids clients facing significant legal challenges, including divorce, child custody, parental rights, and property division. He served three terms as the presiding judge of the 416th District Court in Collin County. He is also the former presiding judge of Collin County Court at Law 5.
http://www.ondafamilylaw.com/
