By Deborah Dobbs, MA | Contributor
Almost a decade ago, I created my first holiday stress “survival kit.” At that time, I was a constantly frazzled single mother with a toddler, and I knew I needed to make some changes. The key is to concentrate on the broader perspective, especially the true significance of our holidays. The genuine essence of the season doesn’t involve appearances, commercialism, or jumping from one party to another. It often requires saying no, which can be challenging. Perhaps this guidance will assist you:
Organize and Prioritize
Create a spreadsheet with four headings: Want, Should, Must, and Meh. Wants represent your personal desires (not your mother’s or your children’s—they can create their own lists). These are activities you cherish or wish to pursue. They may be cherished traditions you desire to uphold or start. Shoulds might not be entirely necessary but could cause some regret if left out. Musts are essential and cannot be ignored (for my family, attending a Christmas Eve service is a must). Meh refers to obligatory activities or traditions that you undertake each year without a clear purpose; they add no value to the season, and the stress they generate diminishes any benefit. These could be activities you sincerely dislike.
Assign each tradition, idea, expectation, or task to the appropriate column. Challenge yourself because often our so-called Musts are actually Mehs. Highlight the choices that truly matter. If you wish to take a collective approach, compare your lists with those of your family members. Discuss what will stay and what can go. I urge you to tackle this now, before the holiday season arrives. If you observe Hanukkah, the time is quickly approaching—carve the Thanksgiving turkey, blink, and suddenly it’s time to prepare homemade latkes.
But is it? Are homemade latkes truly a Must? Will your family disown you if, for the sake of sanity, you skip the peeling and grating (and the inevitable injuries) of fresh potatoes and opt for frozen shredded potatoes instead? Would anyone even care? (A quick online search will reveal recipes! It has been done!) Perhaps “shredding 100 potatoes” is better suited to the Should or, dare I say, Meh column.
Involve Others in the Process
Talking to family members may help, even if it’s just to prepare them for potential changes. Do not make assumptions. Your mother might not be as disappointed as you fear if you shift a supposed must to the Meh category. In my experience, when I discussed the idea of simplifying and eliminating unnecessary aspects, many expressed relief. Some parts of these conversations can be tough. Hurt feelings might arise. On the flip side, this effort could feel liberating for everyone involved.
Utilize a Consequences Web
For the more significant decisions, consider creating a Consequences Web. Identify an action or choice. Brainstorm and list all possible consequences. You can expand this web by adding secondary consequences. Then evaluate them. Once you lay out the Consequences Web, making a decision may become clearer.
By concentrating on the overarching picture and learning to say no when necessary, the holiday season can become significantly less stressful!
Editor’s Note: Debbie Dobbs is the Executive Director of The Counseling Place, a nonprofit organization that offers affordable professional and educational services, including counseling. Reach her at 469.283.0242 or counselingplace.org.
