<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.0 Transitional//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/REC-html40/loose.dtd“>
by Dr. Susan Sugerman | Contributor
“Angela is incredibly fortunate!” her friends exclaim. This quiet and reserved sophomore has managed to date the standout senior, C.J., who is deemed the most attractive guy in school. While her friends ponder why they aren’t in relationships, Angela and C.J. seem to lose themselves in each other, almost merging into one. When her friends voice concerns that C.J. is taking her away from them, Angela accuses them of jealousy. But as time goes on, C.J.’s controlling demeanor and sudden outbursts escalate to violence. By then, Angela is distanced from those who could truly help her.
Those familiar with “Don’t U Luv Me” (written by local playwright Linda Daugherty) may recognize this sadly common dynamic present in both teenage and adult relationships. Both genders are affected, though women are more frequently victims of physical abuse. Controlling and abusive relationships can arise in all ethnicities and socioeconomic strata. Identifying these behaviors is the first crucial step toward breaking the cycle of potential tragedy.
Characteristics of Healthy Relationships
Individuals in healthy relationships possess self-awareness, or at least a clear understanding of what they are not. They have specific goals and prioritize their own needs. While they care deeply for their partners, they also expect mutual respect. In a positive relationship, both individuals feel more secure in their identities. Healthy partners celebrate each other’s strengths and do not attempt to change one another for their own convenience.
Positive relationships foster authenticity rather than necessitating changes. Partners in a healthy relationship encourage each other to aspire towards their individual dreams and talents. Teenagers in supportive relationships tend to see an increase in their academic performance, as they learn to integrate their romantic interests into their lives while maintaining connections to their friends and family.
Healthy partners assist one another in coping with challenges. The initial stages of romantic relationships can be joyous and simple. What truly matters is how couples navigate difficult times, addressing both internal and external pressures together. They collaborate to resolve conflicts through compromise and shared problem-solving rather than seeking to “win” arguments.
Indicators of Unhealthy Relationships
Unhealthy relationships often begin on a high note. At the onset of a controlling relationship, there is often flattery and intensity. The partner wants to spend every moment with you and insists you are their perfect match, expressing sentiments like, “Nobody gets me like you do!” Initial jealousy regarding your time with friends and family may seem sweet but soon turns suffocating, eventually revealing itself as hostility.
As time progresses, unhealthy partners can become critical, disrespectful, and domineering. They demand to know your whereabouts, activities, and companions at all times. They dictate your choices, like what to wear or who to associate with, and may discourage you from pursuing your dreams with belittling comments like, “You’ll never succeed anyway.” Eventually, this may lead to direct insults and name-calling. The abuser may invade your privacy by checking your texts and call logs, even threatening to damage your reputation or cause you harm if you don’t conform to their demands.
Victims may start to internalize the blame. The abusive partner makes them feel unworthy of anything better, manipulating them into thinking things like, “It’s your fault that I lost control (or crashed my car or failed my exam)!” They might rationalize the abuse to others, saying comments like, “He was just having a rough day,” or “I made her upset by forgetting to do something.” Frequently, abusers threaten self-harm if the victim decides to leave. Consequently, victims may grow anxious, constantly trying to avoid triggering further outbursts.
Eventually, victims find themselves cut off from the support systems they desperately need. Friends and family grow weary of attempting to change the victim’s perspective on their partner. They become accustomed to plans being canceled and may stop reaching out altogether. By the time the victim realizes they require assistance, it can be challenging to find it.
Weeks, months, or even years later, these relationships can devolve into physical or sexual violence. Be cautious of signs like bruises, or suspicious explanations for injuries, such as “accidentally” falling down stairs.
How Parents Can Help
Empower your children to recognize their worth in relationships. Teens have the right to feel valued, to have their independence, to maintain friendships, and to build a positive self-image. Make it clear that while relationships necessitate compromise, they should also foster security and confidence without forcing an individual to change who they fundamentally are.
Teach effective communication and the importance of personal boundaries. Help your child establish self-defensive limits. It’s okay to accept that they may blame you for restrictions you impose, such as curfews or limits on screen time.
Keep in mind that no one invites abuse into their lives. Unhealthy relationships develop over time. Abusers can be charming and charismatic. What begins as a fervent connection filled with admiration can shift to jealousy and control before the victim realizes what’s transpiring. Even those who typically exhibit healthy behaviors can find themselves in unhealthy dynamics.
Be patient and show understanding. Leaving an abusive relationship is challenging. Often, the relationship isn’t entirely negative. The victim may still feel drawn to the positive aspects, which is why they defend the abuser from scrutiny. They hope to amend the relationship rather than end it; they simply wish for the abuse to cease. Help your child acknowledge the good memories while also recognizing that the harmful elements are hazardous and unlikely to change. It will take consistent, loving insistence from you to convey your understanding of their struggle while firmly standing against their involvement in a controlling or dangerous situation.
Be prepared for your own frustrations if your child clings to a harmful relationship. Take the necessary time to process the situation thoughtfully and devise a rational plan. Avoid hastily judging them for not resolving the issue. Remember, if your child possessed the insight and capacity to terminate the relationship, they likely would have done so already.
Prepare to take on the role of the “bad guy.” When your child is finally ready to escape a dangerous environment, they will require significant help. Their abuser will know how to exploit their needs and threaten them to draw them back. Allow your child to attribute the separation from their abusive partner to your decisions. Set firm boundaries like curfews, limit access to cars, and publicly communicate (especially to the abuser) your monitoring of social media. Utilize parental controls from your phone provider to restrict communications with specific numbers (be aware of text apps that may bypass these restrictions). Change the abuser’s contact information in your child’s phone to “DO NOT ANSWER,” reducing the temptation for future communication. Assist your child in finding other activities to remain engaged and connected with responsible peers and adults. If needed, involve local law enforcement or the school. In certain situations, it may be appropriate to sensitively engage the abuser’s parents, with the goal of accessing counseling support that could foster positive change in the future.
Keep a balanced perspective—struggles can have value. Learning to cultivate healthy relationship skills requires time and experience. Support your child in gaining wisdom from mistakes. They’ll gain insight into what should never be tolerated again.
