By Dr. Dean Beckloff
Understanding Grief
Grief encompasses more than just sadness; it is a profound and challenging pain. Sometimes it manifests as a subtle ache from a minor loss, while other times it can be an all-consuming sorrow that feels unbearable. Grieving signifies the harsh reality that something cherished or essential to us is no longer present, and we yearn for its return.
Forms of Loss
Loss can take various shapes. For children, moving to a new place often triggers feelings of grief. I have encountered many youngsters who mourn the loss of their familiar surroundings when relocating. Such transitions, even if deemed positive by parents, can be monumental for a child or teenager. As an adult, when I first arrived in Dallas, I too experienced grief for my previous home before eventually embracing my new city. For children, a move alters their world, and they may not understand that adjustment takes time and that their grief will eventually lessen. When my daughter switched schools, she experienced her own grief. Naturally, we faced criticism as parents, and she felt the absence of her friends and familiar environment. Her life felt chaotic, prompting her to bargain, express anger, and experience genuine pain. Nevertheless, she ultimately navigated through her grief.
The Depth of Grief
Some grief is overwhelmingly profound, particularly with the death of a loved one. The magnitude of loss varies; losing an acquaintance can bring sorrow, while losing a family member can feel insurmountable. Such losses often leave us shaken and may alter us in ways that are too complex to fully comprehend. Some carry this sadness indefinitely, while others channel their grief into positive actions that illuminate the lives of others.
Stages of Grief
We are often reminded that grief unfolds in stages: shock and denial, followed by anger, bargaining, and depression. Each of these stages can resurface multiple times until we eventually arrive at acceptance.
Supporting Children Through Grief
Many of us seek ways to assist our children and teens when they face grief. Here are several tips to guide children toward acceptance:
-
Understand which stage of grief they are experiencing. There may be intense anger, sadness, or denial. If dealing with a teenager exhibiting significant anger or sorrow, they may be mourning a loss you are unaware of.
-
Be present for them. If your child prefers solitude, respect that. Instead of pressuring them to engage, remain available. It’s perfectly fine to communicate your willingness to listen, but grant them space, especially during the early stages where shock and denial may prevail.
-
Acknowledge their emotions when appropriate. Rather than asking if they feel sad, affirm their feelings by stating, “I know you’re very sad.” A declaration conveys understanding more effectively than a question.
-
Maintain reasonable standards and expectations. While some flexibility may be necessary due to grief, it’s crucial to keep a sense of normalcy so your child knows that life continues.
-
Avoid minimizing their loss. Validate their feelings and recognize the reality of their experience. While children are often resilient, they are also vulnerable, and downplaying their feelings will not aid in their healing.
-
Understand that healing takes time. Everyone must navigate through the various stages of grief at their own pace; acceptance may not occur swiftly.
-
Model hopefulness. Demonstrate to your child that there are paths to moving forward and that life does indeed carry on.
- Consider additional support if needed. It’s perfectly acceptable to seek counseling or medication for yourself or your child. Looking for help when necessary is essential.
The esteemed writer Henri Nouwen suggested that we often feel compelled to conceal our pain. However, he emphasizes that by embracing vulnerability and sharing our struggles, we open the door to community support. Perhaps the most crucial lesson is to exemplify this vulnerability ourselves so that our children can gather the courage to seek help and envision brighter days ahead.
Editor’s Note: Dr. Dean Beckloff is a pediatric therapist specializing in assisting children and families through divorce and various life obstacles. He founded the Beckloff Behavioral Center in Dallas. For inquiries, comments, or consultations, Dr. Beckloff can be reached at DrBeckloff.com or 972.250.1700.
