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by Christa Melnyk Hines
Understanding Teen Privacy and Independence
Teens naturally seek both independence and personal space. As parents, it can be challenging to find the right balance between respecting their privacy and guiding them towards making wise choices.
“The goal is for teens to gradually take on more responsibility for their own decision-making,” explains Dr. Rochelle Harris, a clinical psychologist. “It’s not a simple transition — like at age 16, you stop monitoring their Facebook or Instagram. Instead, it’s about ensuring that strong lines of communication remain open.”
How much supervision tweens and teens need often hinges on their maturity levels, peer influences, and individual dispositions. Maturity especially varies widely during middle school years.
For instance, one tween might still be clinging to childhood toys, while another may be more aware of social dynamics and experimenting with relationships. This variation necessitates a closer look at the influences present in their friend circles.
“The company our children keep significantly shapes who they become,” notes Tom Kersting, psychotherapist and author of Disconnected: How to Reconnect Our Digitally Distracted Kids.
As teens grow, parents may know less about their friends’ parents and the boundaries set within those households. Even if your teen makes it seem like you’re the only one enforcing rules, it’s important to stay firm about what you believe is best for your child.
“Our responsibility as parents is to ensure our kids are safe and making good choices,” says Kersting.
Clear Expectations
Once your child gains access to any digital device, establish a “digital citizenship contract” (you can find templates online) to clarify your expectations regarding online behavior and household rules.
Introduce reasonable consequences to guide your child through mistakes. Instead of removing their phone for an extended period, consider more manageable limits, such as reducing daily screen time and increasing your supervision until they demonstrate accountability.
“If a similar incident occurs a month later, take the same approach,” Dr. Harris advises.
Maintain a balanced routine by implementing a curfew for all electronic devices each night. “Nothing positive generally happens at 12:30 a.m. on a school night with a phone in their room,” says Dr. Harris.
Research indicates that excessive online time can lead to issues like cyberbullying. A study shared with the American Public Health Association found that “hyper-networkers,” meaning teens who spend three or more hours daily on social media, were 84 percent more likely to engage in risky behaviors, such as drug use, and were 3.5 times more likely to engage in sexual activities.
Curiosity is natural in teenagers, but they might close off if you become overly inquisitive. Instead, pose “innocent” questions to stimulate critical thinking about online experiences and social interactions. For example:
“What do you think cyberbullying looks like?”
“If someone says something hurtful and you click ‘like’ on it, does that imply you’re endorsing the bullying or that you like the person? What does that mean?”
“This can be an entry point for discussing essential communication skills,” Dr. Harris states. “Avoid texting friends when you’re upset. Don’t spread rumors — while it may feel like bonding, it can be damaging.”
Also, ask whether they would feel comfortable with someone they admire, such as Grandma, viewing their Snapchat posts.
When to Intervene
Let your children know that you will monitor their social media and text communications.
“When kids are aware that a parent will look through their content, they’re less likely to get into trouble with inappropriate material or unknown people online,” Kersting explains.
However, certain areas of a child’s life should remain private, such as their bedrooms and personal journals, according to most experts.
“The only time privacy can be overridden is if there are safety concerns; in such cases, their wellbeing is more important,” advises family therapist Lisa Ruff, LMSW.
Before intruding into your child’s space, discuss your concerns directly with them to explore any underlying issues that may be affecting their behavior. If you notice changes in their demeanor, school attendance, eating patterns, or social interactions, consult their doctor.
Making Time for Connection
To encourage your child to engage more with the family, Kersting suggests dedicating device-free time, about 15 to 20 minutes each night, for “mandatory family discussions.” This could happen during dinner or before bedtime.
“This connection is vital for building a relationship where kids feel comfortable sharing their concerns,” he notes.
At least monthly, invest one-on-one time with your teen, free from distractions such as phones or other electronic devices, ensuring both of you are fully present.
“Let them choose the activity,” Ruff recommends. “Without siblings, homework, or other obligations, it’s easier for conversations to flow.”
The moments you spend with your teens will have lasting benefits, says Kersting.
“Children who enjoy their time with their parents tend to be happier, especially as they develop in terms of well-being, self-esteem, accomplishments, and more.”
Editor’s Note: Freelance journalist Christa Melnyk Hines is the author of Happy, Healthy & Hyperconnected: Raise a Thoughtful Communicator in a Digital World.
