Tips for Caring for Aging Parents
By Deborah Dobbs, M.A. | Contributor
My parents own a book on an end table called The Joys of Getting Older. It consists entirely of blank pages. This speaks volumes about my mother’s perspective on aging, particularly as our roles in each other’s lives begin to change.
Aging, role reversal, and caregiving are aspects of life. Watching friends navigate their caregiving journeys with their parents makes me ponder how close my family is to this stage and I occasionally feel anxious about what lies ahead. Each situation varies, but I’ve observed the fatigue under their eyes, the sadness that accompanies love, compassion, and patience. I’ve also witnessed laughter, listened to heartwarming stories, and enjoyed tales of joy shared by my friends about their mothers and fathers. Seeing the effects of aging on health, independence, and safety evokes complex emotions and creates stress. Like many who are about to become sandwich generation caregivers, I must remind myself to focus on the positives as well.
Becoming a family caregiver is a transformative experience. The nature of that experience can be either positive or negative, largely depending on how well we are prepared and how swiftly we can adapt to seemingly unexpected changes.
One aspect that often catches many off guard is Caregiver Guilt. This includes feelings of not doing enough, experiencing anger or frustration in our new role—especially when our parent shows resentment without any sign of gratitude. There’s also guilt over inadequate time or energy to devote to children or spouses and the postponed vacations, date nights, or intimacy that result from this. We may feel guilty for taking any time to care for those relationships or for ourselves.
The person who has imparted the most knowledge about the caregiving journey to me is my long-time friend Scott Silknitter, founder of Caregiving 101. He began his caregiving experience early on when his father was diagnosed with Parkinson’s at just 44 years old. He quickly became disillusioned by the lack of accessible caregiving educational resources and emotional support, prompting him to act to prevent others from facing similar challenges. For nearly ten years, his company has supported tens of thousands of family caregivers with insights on various caregiving aspects—from the influence of diet on incontinence to tips for fall prevention at home, understanding non-verbal cues, and simple strategies to alleviate caregiver guilt and stress.
A recurring theme in their caregiver programs stresses that we cannot manage everything alone. We must allow ourselves to accept help when it’s offered and actively seek it out when it’s not readily available.
Tips that can assist you as a caregiver and your older parent:
1| Educate Yourself and Don’t Look a Gift Horse in the Mouth
Start by enrolling in the no-obligation Caregiving 101 membership site. You’ll discover a wealth of valuable articles, guides, checklists, tips, and videos. There’s even a caregiver’s academy designed for both professionals and family members.
2| Seek Help for Depression
If you suspect your parent may be depressed, don’t hesitate to pursue treatment. Integrative Reminiscence therapy or group therapy can be great options. Don’t let stigma deter you from seeking assistance.
3| Improve Communication Through Therapy
As family dynamics evolve, family therapy can significantly enhance communication and understanding between you and your parents. Individual therapy can also help you navigate stress and the guilt associated with meeting your own needs. Many counseling agencies now offer virtual sessions, so you won’t have to squeeze travel time into your busy schedule.
4| Use Local Resources and Find What Works Best for Your Family
New community resources emerge regularly. Take advantage of senior centers, community recreation centers or gyms, or locate an Elder Day Out Group for parents to attend on a routine basis.
5| Focus on the Positive
Shift your attention towards what your parents can still do, rather than what they can no longer accomplish. Adapt and empower them as much as possible and practical.
6| Stay Positive and Keep Your Sense of Humor
Although it may be easier said than done, remember that smiles are infectious. One trait I’ve always respected about Scott Silknitter is his seemingly unshakeable positive outlook and sense of humor.
Scott consistently reminds all caregivers that, “You get more with an ounce of sugar than you do with a pound of vinegar, and laughter truly is the best medicine.”
It’s a glass-half-full perspective we should all embrace.
Editor’s Note: Deborah Dobbs, M.A. is a sociologist with 21 years of experience at The Counseling Place, a non-profit agency committed to enhancing emotional health in individuals of all ages. You can contact her at 469.283.0242 or www.counselingplace.org.
