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At this time of year, we hope for goodwill and peace on Earth. But what happens when we can’t even assure tranquility within our own families?
by Deb Silverthorn
Navigating Holiday Splits in Blended Families
When children have multiple homes, the concept of “home for the holidays” can become intricate and may lead to hurt feelings. Whether it’s spending Christmas Eve at Dad’s and unwrapping gifts under the tree at Mom’s, or dividing the eight nights of Hanukkah between two places, the greatest gift you can provide for your children—and for yourself—is a season filled with peace and joy.
For blended families, the positive aspect is that the holiday season is packed with opportunities to be together and to incorporate cherished childhood traditions into your own children’s lives. In all familial structures, be they intact or separated, holiday memories can flourish through a delightful mix of “yours, mine, and ours” celebrations.
Emphasizing Respect and Love
“The winter holidays are a time to be grateful for everything we have—not to dwell on what’s not working,” remarked Jim Mueller, a family law expert and managing partner at the firm of Verner, Brumley, Mueller and Parker. “Parents should reflect on the time when they first came together—there was once cohesion, friendship, even love. Though that love may have faded, respect for the children must take precedence. If all parties maintain this mindset, a holiday celebration can be truly joyful.”
“It’s vital to understand that holidays—and life in general—aren’t scripted tales but rather your own narrative. The current situation may not match your initial vision, so revise your expectations,” shared Mueller, who is a father of two young kids. “Make it all about togetherness.”
Focusing on Positive Interactions
During the holidays, your actions and words hold significant weight. “Concentrate on how you wish for the children to be treated. Avoid fixating on your ex’s shortcomings and, most importantly, refrain from speaking negatively about your ex in front of the children, who desire a positive environment,” advised Mueller. “When dealing with teenagers, redirect attention toward the atmosphere you want to cultivate, and if they choose not to engage, don’t push the issue. Many judges will create custody arrangements allowing older teens (15 years and above) to have a say, so ensure you foster a peaceful environment where they’ll want to celebrate.”
The Impact of Parental Conflict
Research indicates that one of the most damaging experiences for a child is parental conflict. “It’s essential to provide our children an upbringing characterized by as much peace and harmony as possible to support their healthy development,” stated Dr. Dean Beckloff, who runs the Beckloff Pediatric Behavioral Center in North Dallas, dedicated to helping children reclaim their childhood. “Many parents underestimate the suffering of their children due to the impact of living in high-stress environments filled with conflict between parents.”
Celebrating Flexibility During the Holidays
Remember, Santa is adaptable—he seems to manage to visit everywhere—and Hanukkah spans eight nights. The specific date on the calendar that you celebrate with your children is more flexible than the emotional state of a child. Once you accept that it may not be “your turn,” you should focus on ensuring your children have the best experience possible while with their other parent.
“Stay focused on your child and honor the celebrations of the other family as well,” Dr. Beckloff advised. “You may reside in separate households, but effective co-parenting, paying attention to the ‘co’ and the ‘parenting,’ is essential. Respect and harmony are the most precious gifts you can offer.”
Sources
Jim Mueller, managing partner, Verner, Brumley, Mueller and Parker P.C. | vernerbrumley.com
214.526.5234 (Dallas) 972.562.2212 (McKinney)
Dr. Dean Beckloff, Beckloff Pediatric Behavioral Center
drbeckloff.com | 972.250.1700
