By Amy Ridings and Ruth Guerreiro | Genesis Women’s Shelter & Support
While many of us are currently practicing social distancing and staying inside our homes, victims of domestic violence who are trapped with abusers don’t have the luxury of feeling safe. At Genesis, one of the most crucial services we offer is safety planning, where a licensed counselor assists a survivor in considering practical changes that may enhance her safety. If you feel unsafe in your own home, you might find some of the suggestions below helpful, but keep in mind that each situation is unique, meaning not every suggestion will apply to you. You are the expert in your own life, so we encourage you to trust your instincts. And, regardless of the COVID-19 situation, remember you can always call 911 for assistance if the abuse intensifies.
Note: In this article, the abuser is referred to as “he.” We recognize that abuse occurs in same-sex relationships; however, we use “he” for clarity. If you are in an abusive same-sex relationship, you deserve a safe and healthy relationship just like anyone else.
BE ON HEIGHTENED ALERT
When an abuser is becoming more volatile, there are usually warning signs he exhibits right before a violent outburst. These can often be small, subtle alterations in his demeanor, body language, or tone of voice. For some, this might be a clenched fist, while for others, it could be a specific facial expression. You may not currently notice these microaggressions, so we encourage you to reflect on past incidents to see if you can identify any consistent patterns or indicators. This awareness can help you be better prepared to take safety precautions.
TRY TO AVOID YOUR OWN ESCALATION
The harsh reality is that sometimes, being passive can be a safer strategy. Abuse is often grounded in power and control; thus, when victims assert themselves or engage in an argument, the abuser frequently escalates. You have every right to defend yourself and express your views, and it’s not your fault if he becomes more aggressive when you are assertive. Deciding to stay in the relationship or leave is entirely yours. If you opt to stay or are unable to leave, being passive may help reduce your risk of abuse. If you choose to follow this safety approach, practice staying neutral and maintaining the status quo. For example, you may wish for your partner to assist more with household responsibilities since you are both at home due to social distancing. However, asking him to do this could upset the balance of power in the relationship, possibly provoking him to escalate to reassert control. While this is unjust and adds more pressure on you, expressing your viewpoint could lead to adverse consequences.
Recognize that managing your emotions and refraining from standing up for yourself when your partner is yelling at you can be exceedingly challenging. If avoiding escalation seems to work, you may feel that your relationship is only secure when you are submissive. This realization can be particularly difficult, but know that we support you through this process, and you are not alone.
HAVE AN EXCUSE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE
If an escalating situation arises, you may feel the need to leave the house for your safety or your children’s safety. Consider in advance what excuses you might use to leave, whether that’s going to the grocery store, picking up medication, or taking a walk outside. We understand that it’s more challenging to leave the house now with many businesses closed and social distancing in effect, but thinking creatively about leaving could help to calm the situation. On the other hand, for some individuals, leaving may not be the safest option. This might be due to the possibility that the explosive incident may worsen upon your return, or he might become physically aggressive to prevent you from leaving. In this case, an alternative could be to step onto your porch or into the front yard. Since domestic violence often thrives in secrecy, your partner may wish to avoid having neighbors witness the abuse, which could lead him to deescalate when you’re outside. You understand your situation best, so take some time to consider options that may work for you.
PREPARE YOUR CHILDREN
Abusers frequently have a deeply ingrained belief that they have rights over their loved ones, and that it’s your duty to fulfill those expectations. Spending more time together can heighten stress, especially if there are children involved. Kids may become noisy while he is working from home, or he may feel that his personal space is compromised. If you notice that your partner tends to escalate during noisy situations, think of quiet activities to keep your children engaged. (Check back regularly—we’re creating a resource list to assist you with this.) If he blames you for a messy or cluttered home, consider creating a game to play with the kids to keep the space tidy. Only you know the triggers that set him off, so prepare in advance based on what you anticipate.
You might also think about setting up a code word with your children. If you do, discuss it with them privately and explain its meaning before a situation arises. For instance, let them know that if you say, “It’s time to go pick up your medicine,” they should go outside and wait for you on the porch. You can also establish a second code word that signals your child to call 911.
While safety planning cannot entirely eliminate the risk of harm, it can reduce it. If you want to speak with someone about creating a personalized safety plan tailored to your situation, our hotline is available 24/7. You do not need to be a client of Genesis, and you don’t need to provide your name. Remember, the abuse is never your fault, you don’t deserve it, and your voice deserves to be heard.
For additional information on safety planning, visit the Genesis safety planning webpage.
Contact Information:
Emergency Hotline: 214.946.HELP (4357)
Main Outreach Office: 214.389.7700
Written by Amy Ridings, director of communications, and Ruth Guerreiro, LCSW, senior director of clinical and non-residential services at Genesis Women’s Shelter & Support
