Can you hear me now?
How technology makes it harder for families to get a good connection
When you were growing up, dinner likely meant the entire family gathering together to share their experiences from the day. Your parents probably emphasized this routine, and research today confirms their instincts were correct.
Sharing meals as a family has demonstrated significant emotional, cognitive, and intellectual benefits. A study from 2006 revealed that traditional family dinners positively influence adolescent behavior and self-esteem, while children who partake in fewer family meals face higher risks of substance abuse, eating disorders, and other dangerous behaviors.
Fast forward to 2014, and it’s common for families, if they can manage to gather everyone at the table, to each be clutching their own devices. Parents are sneaking glances at urgent work emails while teenagers monitor their social media feeds. Is technology diminishing the advantages associated with traditional family dinners?
“Given the scarcity of family gathering opportunities, dinner emerges as the most vital time to come together,” explains Anne Fishel, PhD, cofounder of The Family Dinner Project and a professor at Harvard Medical School. “It serves as the simplest setting for families to connect and unwind. Research indicates that there are long-term benefits too, including lower obesity rates in young adults who enjoyed regular family dinners during their teenage years, and the benefits of conversation at the table surpass even the advantages of reading to young children.”
For numerous families, navigating the pull of technology while maintaining family time during meals remains a daunting task. “Dinner is the only time we disconnect from technology,” shares Monica Sanchez, a mother of two from Dallas. “We gradually made that shift. Initially, we dined in front of the television on the couch with trays, then started eating at the table while still watching TV. Now, we’ve eliminated the TV. This is our time to unwind and talk about our day.”
Galit Ziv Birk, also from Dallas, echoes this sentiment. As a clinical psychologist and owner of CORE Parent Coaching, she states, “It’s crucial to establish clear boundaries around media for the benefit of our children, ourselves, and our families. This is a struggle many of us face in today’s media-rich environment. I always advise my clients—and remind myself—that to instill the value of direct connection and presence in our children, we must model it ourselves—no phones at the table.”
Interestingly, research indicates that while parents may criticize their teens for their smartphone and tablet use, it’s actually the parents who often find it hardest to disconnect. In a recent national survey conducted by Fishel, only 18% of parents believe it’s acceptable for children to use technology at the dinner table, while a double percentage finds it acceptable for themselves.
Yet, Fishel suggests that technology and family dinners don’t have to be an all-or-nothing situation. “Using technology at the table can suggest disinterest and divided attention. If technology distracts from family connection, it’s detrimental. Therefore, we advocate for a mostly tech-free atmosphere. However, we understand that technology is woven into daily life. Consider more flexible guidelines, like permitting phone use once during dinner, with the condition that anyone who exceeds that has to do the dishes.”
Furthermore, Fishel notes that technology can foster conversations at the dinner table. “Someone might say, ‘I want to show you this email,’ or ‘Check out this photo on Facebook,’ and that can facilitate connection. At times, technology can enrich a conversation.” Keeping the focus on connection is essential, she emphasizes.
And that’s definitely something worth texting your family about, along with tonight’s dinner plans.
Parents weigh in on the topic:
“Technology can be mom’s best friend but it can also be a mom’s nightmare.”
– Dee Moore, mother of three, from Dallas
“When we’re at the dinner table discussing current events with our kids, having access to real-time information through technology adds a valuable dimension.”
– Jay Bell, father of two, from Dallas
“Technology would often sneak into our dinner time until it got a ‘time out’ from the table! Everyone would feel compelled to check that text or for our boys, the latest scores on their NBA/ESPN apps… and if everyone is connected to the outside world, why even bother conversing at the dinner table? So while technology is welcome elsewhere, it is absent from our dinner table.”
– Pallavi Ahluwalia, mother of three, from Plano
“When we are eating as a family, we forbid technology. Sometimes it’s more of a struggle for my husband than for the kids!”
– Suzanne Winkelmann, mother of two, from Dallas
“Just like when it comes to raising kids in general, common sense should dominate. Texting friends, posting on Instagram, and otherwise engaging with people outside the dinner table crosses the line. But that doesn’t mean phones are completely off-limits. If we’re in the middle of a discussion, and looking something up online adds value to our conversation, that’s beneficial. We might want to verify a fact whether we’re discussing politics or determining the name of the first movie Brad Pitt starred in with Angelina Jolie. So if technology enhances our dinner conversation, then it’s a positive use. But if it becomes a way to avoid interacting with family, then phone privileges can swiftly disappear.”
– Jay Leshefsky, father of one, from Plano
By Katy Richardson/ Staff Writer
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