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Are you a hovering helicopter parent who micromanages your children’s activities, or do you take a more hands-off approach, allowing your tween or teen to have more independence? Or perhaps you’re somewhere in between?
By Karyn Brodsky | Staff Writer
Parenting styles can vary widely, and so can parental boundaries. This feature explores how far parents are willing to go in influencing their children.
Driven to Protect Them Behind the Wheel
Your teenager receives their driver’s license, and life as you know it is forever altered (and you thought having children was the biggest change you’d ever face). From this moment on, you’ll find yourself anxiously waiting for a text confirming their safe arrival (while ensuring you’re parked, of course). You won’t be able to rest until you hear the garage door open, signaling their return. But how can you be sure your young driver is making wise choices and staying safe?
Technology becomes an invaluable ally in this scenario. Auto insurance companies offer devices that monitor and report the car’s speed when your teen is behind the wheel. Some car ignitions can deactivate if alcohol is detected on the driver’s breath, and smartphones allow for tracking. Dallas dad Jay Bell relies on tracking apps to know where his child is… or at least where their phone is located. Bell, whose son will start driving this summer, feels more at ease knowing he can monitor his son’s location. “I know that if my son forgets to text me upon reaching his destination, I can track his phone to check if he’s where he should be.” Alicia Wanek from Plano shares similar sentiments and is planning for the future. “My teens don’t drive yet, but my husband has already researched tracking devices and options for disabling texting while driving.”
One Dallas mom, who prefers to remain anonymous, believes it’s all about maturity. “I wouldn’t put a tracking device on them,” says the mother of two teenagers. “They know they have to keep in touch. They’re good kids who communicate with us often, and I’ve never felt the need to snoop.” Jane Ito from Richardson adopts a low-tech strategy (plus a tracking app) that seems effective. She has her 16-year-old son sign a 13-point contract outlining the rules he must follow in order to maintain his driving privileges. “Having things documented is helpful because my son, like many teens, doesn’t always pay attention to verbal instructions.” Ito reminds her son that not only his life but also the lives of his passengers and other drivers are at stake.
Bell plans to create a driving contract for his son as well. “It clearly articulates my expectations, and if he doesn’t follow the rules, he must deal with the consequences.” Bell intends to link driving privileges to academic performance. “If he doesn’t make the effort and achieve the expected grades during a grading period, then his car will remain parked until the next report card comes out.”
Regardless of your approach, remember that the State of Texas has strict regulations for teen drivers, which your child must adhere to. They are required to complete 30 hours of driving practice to graduate from a permit to a provisional license. All adolescent drivers must comply with Graduated Driver License (GDL) restrictions until they turn 18. This includes not driving with more than one passenger under 21 who isn’t an immediate family member during the first 12 months, and they may not drive between midnight and 5:00 AM except for emergencies, work, or school-sanctioned activities; after 6 months, both passenger and time restrictions are lifted. (drivinglaws.org/teen/texteen.php)
The “Dating Game”: What’s Acceptable & What’s Not
Your 14-year-old son declares that he has a girlfriend, while your 15-year-old daughter informs you that a cute boy in her English class has asked her out. How do you respond? The current landscape of dating is vastly different from our own experiences and markedly different from those of previous generations. In the 1950s, dating etiquette for girls often included the guideline to “properly introduce your date to your parents.” Boys were cautioned against kissing on the first date. If only it were that straightforward today!
First, how young is too young? Jay Leshefsky from Plano comments that his 13-year-old daughter is not yet ready to date. “[That] would seem way too young.” And where should teens hang out together? “When [my daughter starts dating], they can spend time in the house,” Leshefsky explains. “But not in the bedroom or in a closed-door situation.” Aubrey dad Shawn Saumell shares, “Our teens can’t date yet, but we maintain an open dialogue about dating and discuss its purpose.” He prefers that the teens remain in common areas as much as possible.
Many modern teenagers opt to go out in groups rather than on one-on-one dates, which provides some reassurance for parents. Plano mom Julie Sacks admits, “Dating is new to us. My older daughter is currently going out with her first boyfriend, so we’re figuring out the rules as we go.” She expresses that she prefers her daughter and her boyfriend to hang out at their home. “I feel like I have a better grasp of what’s happening when they’re here,” Sacks states.
Dallas dad and family lawyer Jeff Anderson insists that when his 14-year-old son has his girlfriend over, they remain on the main floor. “I frequently communicate with her guardian about our rules, and I’ve had direct discussions with my son about what’s expected of him.” Being accountable while visiting other teens is also crucial. When Plano mom Lisa Kivett’s teenage son goes out, “We have always required knowing whose house he is at and whether parents are present.”
Do You Troll Texts and Stalk Social Media?
This topic sparks considerable debate, juxtaposing protection with invasion of privacy. Individuals like Plano Sergeant Courtney Pero assert that when it comes to children’s safety, privacy should take a backseat. Pero advises that parents monitor their teens’ electronics usage and keep devices out of bedrooms. “Parents should know all access codes and passwords.”
Kivett concurs and reserves the right to examine her teens’ phones and to be aware of their current passwords; otherwise, their device privileges could be revoked. She explains that her intent isn’t to be a controlling parent but to provide extensive information regarding risks and limitations. To educate her teen about social media dangers, Kivett informs him that nothing is ever genuinely deleted, and texts, emails, or social media posts could end up in the wrong hands or hurt someone. Kivett suggests that he apply this rule: “If you wouldn’t want Grandma to see it, don’t post it.”
Principal William McLaughlin of Shepton High School in Plano warns about the hazards of social media, citing a statement by Devin Padavil, first vice president of the Texas Association of Secondary School Principals, reported in the Dallas Morning News. McLaughlin recalls Padavil describing social media as “the largest unsupervised playground in the world.”
McLaughlin echoes Padavil’s sentiment: “With social media, you’re giving your children keys to the world, and the world has keys to their lives.” As he does in his household, McLaughlin recommends that parents ensure accountability by reserving the right to check social media and texts at any moment. The bottom line, he emphasizes, is that “the phone is owned by the parents and the bills are being paid by them.” He proposes instructing children in digital citizenship to help them build a positive digital footprint for colleges and employers. “Use this as a teaching opportunity. There exists a balance between monitoring your child overly closely and granting them unrestricted access to social media.”
Some parents combat potential issues by utilizing technology to monitor technology. Monitoring applications like Qustodio alert parents to inappropriate posts and filter adult content. Anderson has looked at his children’s texts in the past but no longer does so, hoping that he can foster an atmosphere of openness and honesty. “Many different messaging apps exist, making it hard to check if a child wants to conceal something.” He remains connected to his children on Facebook and engages them in discussions about social media and its risks.
Contrarily, Dallas anesthesiologist Dr. Katie Blakeley rarely checks texts and emails, believing that doing so could damage trust. She admires her brother’s policy of reviewing ALL messages sent and received by his teenagers. “[It just] seems much more candid and straightforward,” Blakeley remarks.
Helper or Handler: The Quest for an “A”
When it comes to tweens and teens achieving academic success, there are three principal mindsets: ensure your kids earn an “A,” even if that means giving them the answers (admit it; we’ve all done this at least once); offer guidance and answer questions, but never do the work for them (in a perfect world); or let them figure things out on their own (often a result of parental frustration) to teach a valuable lesson. None of these methods is foolproof, and many parents blend a mix of strategies.
Sumitra Reddy from Plano supports the first viewpoint, asserting that it’s acceptable to do whatever it takes to help kids succeed academically, stating, “[My] personal belief is there’s NO such thing as doing too much. [Encouraging them] is fine, and banning smartphones and the PS4 makes discipline straightforward.”
Kivett aligns more with the second perspective, yet she is concerned that she has acted more like a secretary than she intended. During her children’s younger years, she kept a close eye on their grades online, checked homework, and ensured they used their planners. “I pushed them when they wouldn’t push themselves. Afterward, we discussed the effort involved in earning that A.” Once her oldest reached high school, the responsibility fell on him, with eligibility for sports teams and jobs tied to maintaining good grades. “His success had to be his own,” Kivett elaborates. “It would have been simpler to do it for him, but that wouldn’t have taught him the essential lessons that will benefit him in college.”
Saumell shares a similar outlook. “I don’t do any of my teens’ homework, but I monitor their grades and make them accountable for their own assignments.” He maintains communication with teachers to ensure that his children are responsible, offering to tutor them but refraining from providing answers, instead giving them tools and resources to assist their learning.
On the other hand, Blakeley insists she has never completed homework or projects for any of her four children, who are now in high school or older. Aside from collaborating with her teenagers to refine their writing assignments, she avows, “My mantra is, ‘I already completed __ grade. I don’t need to relive it.’” Blakeley firmly believes that her children must undertake the hard work themselves, preferring they experience failure under her guidance rather than later in college. She emphasizes, “I do not want to endorse lying or cheating. Submitting work done by someone else constitutes both lying and cheating.”
College Coach or Application Commander?
Ann Landers once stated, “It is not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves, that will make them successful human beings.” McLaughlin agrees: “In a culture dominated by helicopter parenting, we have deprived our kids of essential life lessons. Children would have benefitted more from learning independently,” he shares.
Dallas mom Julie Shrell applied this philosophy when her twin daughters—now college graduates—navigated the application process. She provided instructions regarding deadlines, met with their counselors, and was available for support or gentle reminders. “I didn’t worry about them,” Shrell reflects. “They were genuinely motivated to attend college and were self-starters.” Shrell acknowledges that the level of assistance or encouragement required varies by child.
Kivett and her husband consulted their son in his freshman year of high school, reviewing the application requirements to prepare him. “He understood exactly what it would take to get into various colleges, the associated costs, the necessary scholarships, and the high school options to reach those goals.”
Shrell remains open to the possibility of her younger son taking a gap year before college, and she would have allowed her twins the same option had they shown interest. Once enrolled, Shrell ensured her daughters were aware of what she and her husband expected from them in order to stay on the “college payroll.” “They understood that if they didn’t maintain their grades or fulfill their course load, they would be coming back home.” Shrell emphasizes the importance of making her teenagers accountable. “It is essential for me that [my kids] feel involved. It’s their college experience. I’ve already had mine.”
Varun Tewari, CEO and Founder of Victory Step Test Prep, an educational organization with locations in Dallas and Plano, prepares teens for the ACT and SAT exams. He believes that parents must find a middle ground between being demanding and excessively involved, versus being too detached. “The college selection process is complex, and parents are typically in the best position to guide their children.” Tewari stresses the importance of parents providing moral, administrative, and financial support during this sometimes frustrating period, holding that parents should not overstep by taking control of the selection and application processes. “Ultimately, it’s the child who’s going to college, and they should feel they played a significant role in that journey.”
What’s the Dope On Drugs and Alcohol?
Once again, opinions vary on the most effective way to monitor tweens and teens for drug and alcohol use. Some law enforcement officials firmly advocate that all children should undergo drug testing. Plano police officer Courtney Pero strongly asserts: “Definitely do it.” The Collin County Substance Abuse Coalition (CCSAC), a member of which Pero’s department is part, recommends that parents keep a drug test at home and conduct random testing. Pero believes, “One day, when a child is approached with drugs, they’ll say, ‘I can’t because my parents test me.’”
Many parents agree but prefer testing only when signs of drug use are apparent. Blakeley does not conduct drug tests on her kids but supports the idea if there are suspicions of substance abuse. “I genuinely believe the best contribution you can make for kids regarding alcohol and drugs is to model good behavior.”
Cecily Craw, Senior Director of Outpatient Services at the nationally acclaimed Caron Treatment Centers in Dallas, disagrees with Pero’s strict stance. “A drug test should remain in the house ONLY if the parent has specific reasons to suspect that their child is engaging in substance use. In such cases, a home drug test could be practical, and the child should be informed that it is available and can be utilized at any time.” She acknowledges the potential for the test to serve as a deterrent but cautions, “We highly recommend that any parental concern be addressed in conjunction with a professional evaluation and appropriate referral for services.”
Kivett confesses that her family does not conduct drug tests or lock up alcoholic beverages, but her son is well aware of their stance on drugs and alcohol. “If he were to drink, I’ve always said, I’d prefer a call from him needing a ride home rather than a call from a police officer informing me he is hurt or worse.” Kivett has also warned her son about the risks of consuming drinks from open cans or punch bowls at parties, highlighting the potential for drugs being slipped into unguarded containers.
Bell hasn’t felt the need to lock up liquor but considers drug testing—or at least keeping a drug test accessible in the home—a sensible notion. “I want to know what my kids are up to, and I want to take whatever steps necessary to help keep them out of trouble.”
What Do You Do?
Experts and local parents have shared their insights regarding what they believe are suitable boundaries for tweens and teens. Now, it’s your chance! Participate in our survey and share your thoughts.
