By Alicia Wanek
At Good Life Family, our tagline is “The Go-To Source for Parents of Kids Tweens to Twenties.” Many of us are parents of children in this age group, and we strive to cover topics that we find relevant. In this article, we address the sensitive yet crucial topic of sex and what parents should know to engage in discussions about it with their children. You may have thought that explaining the basics to them was challenging, but those conversations are just the beginning. The risks and consequences of sexual decisions demand numerous dialogues.
The proportion of teenagers in the U.S. who have had sexual relations has decreased since the 1980s, according to a 2017 report from the Centers for Disease Control and Protection (CDC). Teen birth rates are also declining, and 80% of teens reported using contraception during their first sexual encounter. Among young women aged 15 to 19 who have had sex more than once, 99% indicated that they had utilized some form of contraception. Further studies suggest that condom use is increasing and that modern teenagers and millennials are engaging in sexual relations with fewer partners than previous generations.
Nevertheless, the CDC report reveals that 42% of unmarried girls and women aged 15 to 19 have had sex, along with 44% of young men. The rates fluctuate among college students, but in a 2017 survey involving 1,180 undergraduates at the University of Washington, it was found that an average of 76.4% had engaged in intercourse, with 64.3% of freshmen and 84.6% of seniors having done so.
There are many aspects of healthy relationships and sound sexual decision-making that our kids need assistance with navigating. Here, we offer guidance on some of the most essential discussions that you may want to have with your teens.
1 | Sexually Transmitted Diseases
The incidence of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) is at an unprecedented level. Data from the CDC indicated that almost 2.3 million cases of chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis were recorded in 2017. In 2015, there were 1.5 million reported cases of chlamydia—the highest in government reports to date—with individuals aged 15 to 24 accounting for the majority of infections. This same demographic represented half of all gonorrhea cases documented that year.
Some experts believe that because this generation didn’t grow up witnessing the fear of HIV/AIDS, and thanks to advancements in medical treatments, they may not be as concerned about catching STDs. Additionally, with only 22 states requiring both sex education and HIV education, and many teaching abstinence-only programs, teens may be unaware of the risks they face. USA Today even suggested that the rise of dating apps among young adults contributes to the increasing rates of syphilis. Sometimes, they forego protection because their boyfriend or girlfriend assures them they have never had another partner, leading to shocking STD diagnoses.
The consequences of these infections can be lifelong. Many women infected with chlamydia show no symptoms, which can result in severe damage to their fallopian tubes and potential infertility before diagnosis. “In my practice, I’ve also noticed a rise in oral-genital STDs,” reports Dr. Katrina Walsh, an OB/GYN. These infections are contracted through oral sex, and she has observed an increase in pharyngeal chlamydia among younger women. Gonorrhea and syphilis can also be transmitted this way.
A simple method to lessen the risk of contracting an STD is for your teenager to receive the Human Papilloma Virus (HPV) vaccine. Dr. Walsh notes that this vaccine can reduce the risk of pre-cervical cancer by 73%, though it only protects against a limited number of the many strains of the disease. A study involving young women who received the vaccine as college freshmen revealed that less than 1% had been diagnosed with cervical cancer within four years. Dr. Walsh advises parents that there is no reason not to get the vaccine. “Even if your teen practices abstinence, I, as a mother, would want to safeguard my daughter by taking advantage of a vaccine that can prevent a serious disease.”
While abstinence is the most effective prevention method, condom use, avoiding oral sex, and being tested for STDs if sexually active are crucial strategies. “Always use protection!” insists Dr. Walsh. Parents can’t shy away from discussing STDs with their children, and these conversations should occur before the teens become sexually active. If they aren’t being informed about the risks at school, they should hear about them from you.
2 | Dating Violence
Although not exclusively sexual in nature, domestic violence is not a concern limited to marriages or domestic partnerships. Various forms of abuse—physical, verbal/emotional, digital, sexual, or spiritual—are prevalent in many teenage relationships. According to the Genesis Women’s Shelter and Support in Dallas, girls and women aged 16 to 24 experience intimate partner violence at nearly three times the national average; one in ten high school students reports having intentionally been hit, slapped, or physically harmed by a partner, and one in three girls in the U.S. encounters abuse from a dating partner. You may be surprised to learn that the average age of residents at Genesis’ shelter is about 25.
“No one is immune. It’s an equal opportunity epidemic,” warns Jan Edgar Langbein, CEO at Genesis. She emphasizes that domestic and dating violence affect individuals across all racial, socio-economic, cultural, and gender lines.
As parents, we must educate our children about fostering healthy relationships and stress that abuse is NEVER acceptable.
Warning signs could include your child’s partner exhibiting an explosive temper, making all decisions, demonstrating extreme jealousy, or controlling who they can interact with.
While it’s vital to remain vigilant for indicators of physical, verbal, or sexual abuse, today, much abuse occurs digitally. For instance, a partner may demand access to their girlfriend’s phone or passwords as a form of control. Digital communications can also serve as a source of verbal or emotional abuse. “Verbal and emotional abuse can be just as damaging,” Jan emphasizes. “It can destroy our well-being.” Parents should ensure they are aware of what their children encounter through text messages or social media.
Maintaining open communication with your child is essential. Jan advises parents to hold back their impulses and inquire with “How?” and “Why?” to prevent teens from shutting down the conversation. Genesis provides discussion points on teen dating violence, including: “What would you want me to do if I noticed warning signs in your boyfriend/girlfriend?” or “What qualities would you want to see in a partner?” Consider asking, “How can I create a safer space for you to talk to me about your dating experiences?” Keep in mind that teens often share more with friends than parents, so it’s essential to discuss with them how they would respond if they believe a friend is facing dating violence. As dating is a new experience for teens, it is crucial for parents to help them understand the characteristics of healthy relationships.
3 | Role of Faith in Sexual Choices
It can be a delicate topic, but a discussion about sex with your teens must include how their faith might influence their decisions and views. A Gallup poll from 2013 revealed that 56% of teens indicated that religion played “a very important role in their life.” Abstaining from sexual activity is, of course, the safest way to prevent the risk of STDs or pregnancy, and according to a CDC study, most teenagers cite their religious or moral beliefs as the primary reason for choosing to remain abstinent.
Among the 57% of girls and 58% of boys aged 15-19 who claimed they have never had sex, 41% of girls and 31% of boys indicated “against religion or morals” as their main reason for remaining sexually inactive.
Most religious teachings advocate for abstinence until marriage, but psychologists also emphasize the importance of fostering a healthy attitude about one’s identity as a sexual being. Many faith communities offer sexuality courses for young teens, often providing candid discussions about puberty, sexual terms, contraception, and STDs from a faith-based perspective.
Kate Ott, author of Sex + Faith: Talking with Your Child from Birth to Adolescence, asserts, “It is essential for parents to be the first and primary sexuality educators for their children. As with all life lessons, we want the values we instill in our children to be supported and reinforced by other trusted adults surrounding them – including schools and faith institutions. Sometimes we confine sexuality education to mere facts, but it is equally about relationships and values. When children can link their faith’s values with their understanding of sexuality, it strengthens their decision-making processes.”
4 | What Consent Really Means
If you have a son in a college fraternity, he has likely encountered the video “Tea and Consent.” This 2015 video by British police illustrates the concept of sexual consent using a cup of tea as a metaphor. The video underscores the idea that while someone can offer tea, it can be refused; forcing someone to drink tea is unacceptable, and someone may accept a cup of tea but later change their mind about drinking it. The video ultimately reinforces the principle that “Consent is Everything.”
While this analogy may seem simplistic, it is vital for all teens and young adults—or really for anyone—to understand that they should never feel pressured or coerced into any sexual activity. Young Men’s Health at Boston’s Children’s Hospital explains: “Sexual consent means there is a clear agreement by all participants for any type of sexual encounter for that specific instance.”
Sexual consent goes beyond just penetration; it also encompasses kissing, touching, and other forms of physical intimacy.
The following guidelines from their website (youngmenshealthsite.org) are useful discussion points for your child:
- Consent can enhance intimacy. Seeking consent establishes a positive atmosphere for a healthy relationship or sexual encounter. Relationships grounded in consent often foster strong trust.
- Silence does not imply consent. Consent should never be assumed or ambiguous; it must be clear and understood by everyone involved. To confirm consent, simply ask and wait for a response from your partner.
- Consent can be revoked at any moment. Sexual activity should always feel right. Just because you engaged in something previously doesn’t obligate you to repeat it. Anyone can change their mind for various reasons, including mood or circumstances.
- No one can give consent after consuming drugs or alcohol. If someone is impaired or incapacitated, they cannot provide consent. The absence of resistance does not equate to permission. If someone is unresponsive, they are unable to voice agreement or disagreement.
- Utilizing force, control, or threats is NEVER permissible. If persuasion is required, that’s not consent. Ultimately, everyone deserves respect—both emotionally and physically—and holds the right to make choices regarding their own body. Consent must always be free of guilt, willing, and unmistakable.
- “No” means no. “I don’t know” does not mean yes. “Yes” unequivocally means yes.
5 | Pornography and Sexualized Images: How Are They Impacting Our Kids?
Pornography is now more accessible than ever. It’s crucial to monitor your children’s online activities, as parental controls can be beneficial. However, you cannot control what your child’s peers are viewing online and sharing with them. Dr. Joanne Orlando of Western Sydney University, a consultant on children and technology, notes that pornography can shape young people’s attitudes toward sex, sexual preferences, and relationships. A significant amount of pornography, whether softcore or hardcore, can convey misleading messages: 1) that mutual consent and safe sex are not of importance, 2) that violent sexual acts are normal and desirable, 3) that loving relationships lack importance, and 4) that aggressive behavior toward women is acceptable.
Following the opening of a Hustler store in Dallas, Kim Robinson, then CEO of New Friends New Life, expressed to the Dallas Morning News that there is a direct link between the increased accessibility of online pornography and the rise in sex trafficking and risks faced by vulnerable youth. She pointed out that with the proliferation of free online porn, there has been a surge in the exploitation and abuse of teens and children. Many of the women portrayed in pornography are victims of human trafficking, coerced into sexual acts for minimal compensation. Others are forced into degrading actions after being intoxicated or under the influence of drugs. With 5.5 million child victims of human trafficking annually, and the average age of a victim being just 13, along with 400 teens trafficked on the streets of Dallas every night, this is a pressing issue that cannot be overlooked.
Even if children aren’t directly exposed to pornography, they are inundated daily with highly sexualized images. Caron C. Andrews and Amanda Grossman Scott, authors of 30 Days of Sex Talks: How to Talk to Your Kids About Pornography, state that it has become a rampant part of modern culture. You can hardly pass by a billboard or watch a television ad without encountering sexualized content. Marketing to children now includes highly suggestive phrases and imagery, evident even in clothing targeted toward very young children. The reality is that sexualized imagery is now ubiquitous, overtaking spaces that used to be reserved for more modest representations.
Dr. Dean Beckloff from the Beckloff Pediatric Behavioral Center emphasizes, “Teens are inundated with information and discussions regarding sexual matters. Many are aware of sexting and how to access pornography and are in desperate need of guidance in this newly accessible digital landscape. Parents cannot afford to ignore these issues; they must be proactive in discussions about sex and sexuality.”
So how do you approach this topic with your child? It can be uncomfortable, but the following suggestions from Dr. Orlando may help:
- Prepare for the conversation by considering the key points you wish to discuss with your child.
- Be open and receptive to their perspectives.
- Pose questions like: What do you know about pornography? Have you been exposed to it by friends? Are there any queries about what you have seen or heard?
- If your child has encountered pornography, reassure them that it is normal to have curiosity about sex and sexuality, and stress that they are not in trouble.
- Clarify that pornography is a business, highlighting that the individuals involved are compensated and it does not represent reality.
- Discuss the potential risks associated with pornography and sexual behaviors.
6 | If Not You, Who?
While you hope your child will always feel comfortable discussing sensitive subjects like sex with you, there will likely be occasions when they prefer to avoid certain topics or when you may not feel equipped to engage in those discussions. It is essential for your children to have access to other reliable resources or trusted adults with whom they feel secure discussing sensitive matters.
If your child is attending college, there are usually several resources available on campus. Health centers are equipped to handle sexual health issues, and most campuses now provide mental health services, often at little to no cost. For younger teens, you might suggest scheduling a visit to their physician, allowing them to ask questions in a more private setting. The team at Girls to Women Health and Wellness/Young Men’s Health and Wellness, which specifically caters to teens and young adults, asserts, “While it’s not our role to dictate when it’s appropriate to begin having sex, our goal is to ensure you understand how to protect yourself and develop a positive sense of your sexuality throughout your life.”
Whether it’s a family friend, relative, physician, or school counselor, help your child identify a trusted adult. Obtaining information from friends or online sources is often unreliable.
RESOURCES USED FOR THIS ARTICLE
(in order of appearance)
Centers for Disease Control and Protection
USA Today
University of Washington
Dr. Katrina Walsh, Plano, TX
Jan Edgar Langbein, CEO, Genesis Shelter, Dallas, TX
Kate Ott, author, Sex + Faith: Talking with Your Child from Birth to Adolescence
“Tea and Consent”
Young Men’s Health
Boston Children’s Hospital
Dr. Joanne Orlando, Western Sydney University
New Friends New Life, Dallas, TX
Caron C. Andrews and Amanda Grossman Scott, authors, 30 Days of Sex Talks; How to Talk to Your Kids About Pornography
Dr. Dean Beckloff, Beckloff Pediatric Behavioral Center, Dallas, TX
Girls to Women Health and Wellness/Young Men’s Health and Wellness, Dallas, TX
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