by Dr. Melanie Ross Mills
Gone are the days of sippy cups and afternoon naps. No longer do I choose their outfits or carefully select their friends. It feels like this transition happened overnight, yet it has actually unfolded over 17 years.
In an article by John M. Grohol, Psy.D., titled “Want to Control Your Teens? Don’t,” he highlights that recent research indicates that attempts to excessively control teenagers can backfire and may inadvertently strengthen the very behaviors parents aim to manage, often those related to sexuality. A comparative study involving nearly 5,000 teenagers found that certain family dynamics and parental behaviors were linked to various sexual activities. It was observed that children were less likely to be sexually active when their parents refrained from engaging in “negative and psychologically controlling behaviors.”
Sexuality is just one element of the complex landscape teenagers are exploring. Additionally, they are working to forge their own identities separate from their parents, a process referred to as “developmental individuating.” Adolescents require the autonomy to start making more decisions independently, a process that can be difficult for parents.
Letting go is perhaps one of the most challenging experiences a parent faces. After investing your heart and soul into nurturing your child for 17 years, it’s tough to take a step back. However, take comfort in knowing that you have instilled values regarding right and wrong. Your child understands your beliefs and what is significant to you. Now is the time to allow them the chance to make some choices on their own. (The emphasis here is on “some” decisions, not all.)
This can be particularly challenging knowing that a teenager’s brain continues to develop until their mid-20s, leading to moments of poor judgment and immature reactions. How can you release the reins? The secret to letting go lies in doing so gradually. As your teen demonstrates responsibility, you can afford them greater freedom. Conversely, if they exhibit unwise choices or behaviors that contradict your family values, it’s appropriate to tighten the allowances they have.
As a parent of a teenager, you face a pivotal decision. You can cling more tightly, creating a misleading sense of control, or you can recognize that your adolescent needs space for personal growth and maturation. Understanding your teen’s developmental stage can positively impact your emotions and responses, and strengthen your relationship.
SUGGESTIONS TO HELP TEENS SEPARATE
1) Give them opportunities to succeed and to fail.
Provide chances for them to manage their finances, like opening a bank account with their allowance, or let them face the consequences of forgetting their lunch.
2) Help them self-regulate with personal accountability.
Keep an eye on their social circles and how they spend their time. Although they still need your guidance, you don’t have to hover as you once did. They are aware of your family’s values and expectations, so while you maintain your boundaries, allow them the freedom to make choices.
3) Move from trainer to influencer.
Transitioning from a trainer to someone who coaches and influences is crucial. Foster an environment for open dialogue that shows respect for their viewpoints. Rather than issuing demands, offer suggestions. (Try to remain calm, even if their opinions surprise you, as your reactions will influence their willingness to be honest with you.)
4) Form your mom support group.
Create a small circle of supportive friends who understand the challenges of parenting teenagers. Seek out mom friends who are wise, trustworthy, and kind—avoid those who engage in comparison or competition.
5) Make the parenting shift.
Accept and welcome the process of letting go. You might feel the urge to “mold” your child into who you envision them to be, but ultimately, it’s their journey to determine who they wish to become. They must choose paths congruent with their aspirations and desires.
6) Be intentional.
Uphold core family rituals, meals, and routines that mean a lot to you. Seize opportunities to spend one-on-one time with your teen. They will always need to feel valued within the family, providing them security and stability as they seek independence.
7) Don’t forget to laugh.
While this phase can be intense and stressful, it can also be filled with joy and memorable moments. Look for opportunities to add humor to your interactions. Remember to breathe and enjoy the fun.
