Does NO Mean GO? Learn how to establish boundaries kids can live with
by Dr. Sandy Gluckman | Contributor
“Boundaries” can provoke a strong reaction among both parents and children. Essentially, a boundary in the context of a parent-child relationship delineates acceptable behavior from unacceptable behavior. When we assert, “That’s it! You’ve crossed the line,” we are indicating that the child’s conduct has exceeded our established expectations. Mastering the skill of setting boundaries is crucial for effective parenting, yet it is a challenge that many moms and dads encounter.
The Benefits of Healthy Boundaries
There are several critical advantages to having well-defined boundaries, two of which are:
1. Clearly defined and mutually agreed-upon boundaries reduce stress and conflict, as there is less to dispute over. While teenagers may test these boundaries, it’s part of their development, and maintaining firmness is a vital part of your role as a parent.
2. By setting boundaries, you not only demonstrate self-respect and value your principles, but you also teach your children to uphold their own self-worth. As they witness you calmly establishing personal limits, they learn that it is acceptable for them to do the same in their lives. This is a valuable skill that they will carry into adulthood, aiding their success.
I Can Be Good to Both You and Me Through Healthy Boundaries
Healthy boundaries foster relationships where parents can be considerate of their children while also taking care of themselves. Issues arise when parents mistakenly believe that setting boundaries is unkind or selfish. In reality, the opposite is true. Establishing healthy boundaries is a profound way to express love and respect. Only by maintaining these limits can you show genuine love for yourself and others.
Are You One of These Parents?
Through my experience working with families, I have identified two types of parents who find it difficult to establish and uphold boundaries. Are you one of them?
Enablers. These parents often strive to provide everything for their children that they themselves lacked and tend to shield their kids from every problem and emotional experience. This can lead to a sense of entitlement and may hinder self-confidence or lead to inflated self-esteem in children.
Pleasers. Some parents become so focused on satisfying their kids that they neglect their own needs. They exhibit self-neglect and relentless caretaking, sometimes to the extent that they inadvertently allow their children to take advantage of them, often enduring disrespectful behavior.
Telltale Signs That You Need Better Boundaries. Even if you hesitate, you find yourself…
• Constantly informing your children of their wrongdoings
• Warning your kids about potential consequences of their actions
• Giving lectures about appropriate behavior
• Feeling that you aren’t receiving the respect you deserve
• Engaging in criticism
Do You Want to Become a Parent Who Establishes Healthy Boundaries? Here’s How.
1. Understand your struggles with boundaries. Are you an enabler or a pleaser? Did you observe your own parents practicing this behavior and now find yourself repeating it?
2. Ensure that your boundaries are healthy. Healthy boundaries are not simply designed for parental convenience; they aim to cultivate good habits that will guide children throughout their lives.
3. Boundaries should be clear, specific, and effectively communicated. Take time to contemplate what you wish to express and how you will convey it before addressing it with your child.
4. Only establish boundaries that you are committed to enforcing. Concentrate on a limited number of issues that will provide lasting value to your children, rather than imposing rules solely for blind compliance.
5. Consistency is key for boundaries to work, and both parents should be aligned in their approach.
6. Follow the KISS Principle (Keep It Simple, Silly). Select a few straightforward rules that suit your family’s circumstances—too many rules can become overwhelming and difficult to implement.
7. Effective enforcement of boundaries relies on using FEW WORDS. One of the biggest frustrations for parents is their children’s excuses, arguments, and complaints. It can be easy to get drawn into debates, to start negotiating, explaining, or even threatening. This invites a cycle of negotiation and whining, contrary to what you desire to discourage.
When you recognize that by setting healthy boundaries you are offering your child a priceless gift for life, it becomes much easier to do.
Editor’s Note: For more information on Dr. Gluckman and her “Parents Take Charge” workshops, visit www.parentstakecharge.com.
