Good Parenting is Filled with “Letting Go” Moments
by Susan Sugerman, MD, MPH | Contributor
One day, I woke up and suddenly noticed that my child no longer felt like he “belonged” to me. This realization came with each of my three boys at different times and stages of their development. It’s akin to aging—one day you glance in the mirror and think, “Whose wrinkles are those?” But with my children, the change was as gentle as the transition from winter to spring and as jarring as being hit by a truck. These experiences marked the moments when I understood that I didn’t “own” my kids; they were now part of the larger world.
These moments arise when your 15-year-old wants to attend a concert alone at Fair Park—and you’re not invited. It occurs when your 8th grader forgets to ask permission to download music, and you only discover this afterward when explicit rap lyrics fill the air from behind a closed bedroom door. (By the way, the music is now streamed live using your cell phone’s data plan, and you thought you were in charge of the iTunes account!) You feel it when your high school freshman makes Friday night plans without consulting you, and when your senior submits a college application for a school you didn’t even know they were interested in.
These experiences are both exhilarating and terrifying for a parent. They signify that your child is maturing and distancing themselves from you. It’s a complex mix of what we desire and what we fear.
What are the upsides?
Teenagers are naturally inclined (and biologically wired) to separate from their parents and define their identities (and who they aspire to become). Margaret Mahler termed this stage “adolescent separation and individuation.” Just like in early childhood, when toddlers begin understanding they are separate beings from their parents, teens undergo this process again as they ready themselves for adulthood. Their focus shifts to grappling with crucial questions of adolescence—“Who am I?” and “Am I normal?” Little do they know, the answer to the first question can take decades to uncover (or longer). The second question often stands in for “Am I valued?” or “Do I matter?”—not just to their parents, but to their social circles. (Of course, if they didn’t feel loved at home, getting out of bed every morning would be a challenge. Yet parental love won’t land them a date for homecoming or ensure they have a place at the lunch table.)
It’s a teenager’s job to reach out and explore new avenues.
They will likely take an interest in things you hadn’t anticipated, things you didn’t realize they wanted to pursue, or things you didn’t know they were capable of doing. This is when it starts to feel like our children are becoming part of the larger culture and peer community. They are no longer “our little babies.” It also becomes their mission to test their parents’ boundaries, to discern where parental decision-making begins and ends, and to see where you, as the adult, will set firm limits. This process demonstrates that they possess their own opinions, and while you may voice your perspectives—having the most votes—they ultimately learn they belong to themselves.
Inevitably, teens will make mistakes.
This is how they learn self-correction and adjust their actions in the future. It’s our responsibility to allow them to make these mistakes—unless safety is at risk. This is the heart of effective parenting—how a parent can be, as my colleague and author Dr. Ken Ginsburg puts it, “a stable point from which they can differentiate themselves.” A good parent acts like a lighthouse, shining guidance for safe navigation and offering warnings to prevent disasters.
Is it safe to let your child attend that concert without you?
The answer is, “It depends.” It hinges on your child’s ability to make sound choices and their social skills in addressing any safety concerns that may arise. Are you comfortable with your child having the freedom to download music or other online content without supervision? This decision relies on your child’s capability to recognize inappropriate content and their willingness to self-regulate or inform you if they encounter problematic situations. Is it acceptable for your child to make weekend plans independently? This depends on whether they respect family traditions and consistently meet your expectations for schoolwork and other responsibilities. And that unexpected college application? It’s a chance to gain insight into your child’s interests, values, and priorities. Finally, can your child stay overnight at a lake house with friends after the dance? The answer depends on multiple factors too extensive to cover here. (I empathize with anyone facing that decision in 2015!)
Perhaps the most crucial question to consider is not about ensuring everything goes perfectly, but rather how your child might handle situations if they go awry. Are the potential downsides manageable? How serious are the risks? How likely is your child to seek help if things don’t go according to plan? How capable is your child of bouncing back from mistakes in this context? What safety measures can you implement to lessen the impact, “just in case”?
At some stage, the child you cradled in those early moments transforms into part of a broader world you cannot control. Your role as a parent is to equip that child to navigate this world as safely as possible. Certainly, it’s comforting when our kids venture into new experiences slightly later in life, ideally when they possess more maturity (and wisdom). However, each child is unique and progresses at their own pace. If we remain mindful of our children’s distinct personalities and capabilities while supporting them in aligning their exploration with their emerging strengths, we can significantly ease this transition. Ultimately, they belong to themselves, but we can continue to be the safe haven they return to for guidance, love, and support.
Reach out to Dr. Sugerman at Girls To Women Health & Wellness, www.gtw-health.com.
