by Dr. Susan Sugerman | Contributor
We are fortunate to live in a relatively low-stress time in history, particularly regarding our everyday experiences as Americans. While there certainly are exceptions, many of us do not spend significant time worrying about our children’s basic needs such as food security, education access, or military service obligations. Presently, it is expected that children complete high school, with college viewed as a vital step toward achieving long-term success. Consequently, much of childhood can appear to be a race toward college, focusing on building an impressive resume to increase acceptance chances to the “ideal” institution.
This evolution has fundamentally altered the essence of childhood and parenting. Families now behave like product-driven entities, with the primary goal being to create success-ready children. As highlighted in the documentary Race to Nowhere, children are raised to meet narrowly defined standards of success, often quantifying their achievements through standardized test scores, GPAs, sports records, rankings, and college admissions. Such an approach cultivates a culture of competition among children, leading to potentially harmful comparisons.
In a landscape determined by labels like bad, good, better, and best, children who are still developing their communication skills, learning processes, adapting to physical changes, and self-awareness are experiencing significant stress. The ability to tolerate the natural variability inherent in childhood development seems to have diminished. Child development can be inconsistent—different for each child and even variable within the same individual. A late bloomer may not gain the strength needed to excel in baseball until high school, while a gifted musician may be prematurely classified as a future concert pianist, missing out on the joy of exploring diverse musical interests. Consequently, both may invest excessive hours pursuing performance improvement, often neglecting other enriching experiences, culminating in the question, “For what?”
As parents, we may be trapped in the dilemma of pushing our children too hard or, conversely, being accused of not supporting their aspirations sufficiently. There is no definitive answer here. We can also point fingers at societal pressures. If a child forgoes extra batting lessons or does not make the select team by seventh grade, their chances of success in baseball may diminish. Opportunities to play recreationally can vanish for those who don’t excel early on. Similarly, if we allow a young musician a break, we risk her falling behind, losing a valuable scholarship opportunity. As parents, we often find ourselves torn, wanting to defy societal norms while fearing that our child might miss out.
How can we genuinely support our children? Start by redefining your aspirations for them. Many adults express, “I just want my child to be happy.” Yet, when I probe further, they reveal that happiness means feeling content, experiencing meaningful relationships, and engaging in purposeful work, rather than merely accumulating awards or titles.
Encourage your children to discover their own definitions of success. Help them achieve “authentic success,” a concept articulated by my colleague, Dr. Ken Ginsburg, an expert on fostering resilience in youth. Authentic success encompasses happiness, the ability to build and maintain meaningful relationships, generosity, compassion, a desire to contribute, creativity, innovation, and, importantly, resilience. (Adapted from Letting Go with Love and Confidence)
We can guide our children toward authentic success by disavowing the notion that they need to excel at everything. We must teach them that every individual has strengths and weaknesses. This ethic is reinforced by celebrating achievements while also acknowledging that children are far more than their academic reports or test scores. We help them value success through the lessons learned from failure, allowing them to explore their limits and identify areas for improvement. When kids fear failure, they often hesitate to try new activities, potentially leading to a limited range of life experiences.
It’s crucial for children to appreciate all aspects of their lives, including those they may not excel at. There is definitely a college out there where every child can flourish—I assure you of that.
PARENTING TIPS FOR GENUINE SUCCESS
The relationship between parent and child plays a vital role in fostering genuine success in today’s youth. One of the most significant responsibilities parents shoulder is guiding their children to develop into independent and successful members of society.
Overparenting, or what I call loving our children to a fault, often hinders their development. Madeline Levine wisely advises, “Don’t do for your kids what they can already do; don’t do for your kids what they can almost do because that’s where they have those successful failures.” Essential qualities for establishing a strong parent-child bond include being loving, reliable, available, and consistent.
Following are some useful tips for raising well-adjusted, successful children in a competitive, high-pressure environment:
– Take time to connect DAILY
– Allow them to make mistakes
– Have family meals
– Listen to their feelings and ideas
– Spend quality time together uninterrupted by technology
– Practice mindful stress reduction
– Allow opportunities for problem solving
– Teach emotional intelligence
– Foster resilience
– Focus on character, not numbers
– Don’t compare your children to others
– Accept your children’s weaknesses as valuable to developing their sense of self
– Nurture creativity
– Play!
Contribution made by Miki Johnston, LCSW. She is an affiliate of Girls to Women Health and Wellness.
