Vital Conversations for Parents and Teens
When children reach their teenage years, communication can often become challenging, with frequent eye-rolling, slammed doors, and dramatic declarations like “You just don’t understand me!” So, how can you foster open communication with your teen? Here are three discussions that may help.
by Sierra Sanchez, MSSW | Contributor
Conversation #1: Engage your teen with “no agenda” conversations
A barrage of questions focused on tasks, instructions, criticism, or corrections can make teens feel as though every exchange has a hidden agenda.
It’s crucial to master the art of conversing with our teens rather than at them. Aim for open-ended questions that promote genuine dialogue. Instead of ones that can be answered with a quick “yes,” “no,” or “I don’t know,” encourage your teen to share thoughts, descriptions, or stories from their day. Show real interest in their responses and positively engage to invite further elaboration. This fosters honesty and openness about their feelings and sets a friendly tone without an underlying motive.
No-agenda conversations help build trust, rapport, and make teens feel comfortable discussing any subject. This foundation will be valuable should you need to hold a deeper conversation about sensitive issues like their emotional well-being.
Conversation #2: Check in with a “TAG” talk
With a significant number of teens showing signs of depression or anxiety, it is vital to discuss mental health candidly. As a parent, you’re often the first to notice changes in your teen’s behavior, mood, sleep, or appetite and are in a position to talk with them.
If your teen is experiencing emotional or psychological distress, you may need to ask direct questions to assess the situation. Utilize the acronym TAG: Take it seriously, Ask questions, and Get help.
Take it seriously.
Listen attentively. Avoid judging or reacting with shock or anger. Let your teen know you care and that they are not alone. Mental health issues are treatable, and no matter how overwhelming the situation appears, solutions exist.
Ask questions.
- Start the conversation: “I’m worried about you. What’s going on?” Be specific and paraphrase to show you’re listening.
- Dig deeper: How long have you felt this way? Have you thought of causing yourself harm? Are you considering ending your life? Do you have a plan?
- Offer your assistance: Can I help you? Will you promise not to hurt yourself until we’ve sought help?
Get help.
- If it’s not life-threatening, encourage your teen to speak to a mental health professional, and offer to accompany them for support.
- If it is life-threatening, call 911 or a crisis hotline, or take them to the nearest emergency room. Do not leave them alone until help arrives. Remove anything harmful from their reach.
- Save the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) to your phone for easy access.
Initiating an open dialogue is the first step toward seeking help, along with teaching your teen about maintaining mental health and recognizing signs of depression in their peers.
Conversation #3: Know the right things to say when a teen is struggling
Let’s face it; we can all say the wrong thing at times. By adjusting your word choices, you can convey understanding and care, ensuring that your teen feels supported, accepted, and loved.
What Hurts:
- It’s all in your head.
- Everyone goes through times like this.
- You have so much to live for—why do you want to die?
- What do you want me to do? I can’t change your situation.
- Just snap out of it. Look on the bright side.
- You’ll be fine. Stop worrying.
- Here’s my advice…
What Helps:
- I understand you’re dealing with a real illness that causes these thoughts and feelings.
- I may not fully grasp how you’re feeling, but I care about you and want to help.
- You are valuable to me. Your life is important to me.
- Tell me how I can assist you right now.
- You might not believe it now, but your feelings will change.
- You are not alone in this. I’m here for you.
- Talk to me. I’m listening.
These conversations are initial steps toward opening communication channels with your teenager. Each teen is unique, but parents can guide them by fostering open, honest, and caring dialogue. The more you practice, the more intuitive and spontaneous your communication will become.
Resources: www.DBSAlliance.org
DEPRESSION
Know the signs:
- Changes in appetite, weight, sleep, or mood
- A sense of hopelessness, helplessness, feelings of guilt or worthlessness
- Continued sadness and withdrawal from friends, family, and/or activities
- Irritability, restlessness, agitation, loss of energy, and difficulty concentrating
- Risky behaviors including self-injury, running away, substance abuse, and sexual promiscuity
Take these steps:
- Offer help and support
- Listen without lectures; invite them to plan an intervention with you
- Validate their feelings
- Avoid pushing and asking too many questions, but trust your instincts
- If the situation seems serious, seek professional help
RESOURCES
HELP LINE
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
1-800-273-8255
A 24-hour crisis hotline that connects you with mental health resources in your area.
WEBSITES
Here For Texas
A searchable database of mental health providers, organizations, resources, and information related to youth mental health in North Texas. HereForTexas.com
The Grant Halliburton Foundation
More information on teen mental health, peer support groups for parents, and resources.
GrantHalliburton.com
Okay to Say™
A community-based initiative led by the Meadows Mental Health Policy Institute aimed at raising awareness of how mental health issues impact us. okaytosay.org
National Institute of Mental Health nimh.nih.gov
National Alliance on Mental Illness NAMI.org
BOOKS
The Five Love Languages of Teens by Gary Chapman
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
