by Dr. Sandy Gluckman | Contributor
From the moment our children are born, we have so many aspirations for them. We wish for their happiness, confidence, and intelligence. We want them to embrace who they are, enjoy life, and foster meaningful relationships. We hope they experience the thrill of success and reach their goals. Oh, I could go on endlessly about our dreams for our kids.
However, with those dreams come our worries and anxieties. We wish for them never to feel sadness or fear. We certainly don’t want them to question their uniqueness and talents. The reality is that life isn’t perfect, and they will face experiences we would prefer they avoided.
Avoid the “Stress Trap”
As a parent, what can you do when your children are hurting? The truth is that when they are in pain, you also feel it—often even more intensely than they do! While empathy, compassion, and care are important, they must be expressed in a balanced and constructive way.
Here’s why: when you care too deeply and share in your children’s pain excessively, it can lead to anxiety for both you and them. Stress can have physical, mental, and emotional consequences, causing you to respond to your child’s pain in ways that are not helpful. You might end up saying or doing things you regret. The last thing you want is for your child to feel misunderstood or more isolated, leading to responses like, “I wish I hadn’t told you!” or “You don’t understand, just leave me alone!”
So, how can you avoid getting stressed when your child is hurting? How do you respond in ways that help both you and your children grow stronger through life’s challenges?
You need to find a balance between caring for yourself and supporting your kids.
Begin First with YOU
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Understand that you have two key responsibilities: first, to manage your own feelings constructively and creatively, and second, to assist your child with the same.
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Remember that if you’re feeling stressed, your child will sense it, which can increase their stress too.
- Before reacting to the situation, take a moment to calm your thoughts and emotions. I know this is easier said than done! After studying techniques to assist parents for decades, I encourage you to visit my website, ParentsTakeCharge.com, for a wealth of resources or to attend one of my upcoming free webinars or small group seminars.
Once you learn to manage your stress effectively, you will have calmed your brain’s responses, allowing you to think creatively and positively.
Have Healing Conversations
Now, let’s explore how you can aid your child in navigating difficult situations.
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Always keep in mind that each challenge presents a remarkable opportunity for your children to tap into their inner strength, even if they aren’t utilizing it right now.
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Avoid lecturing, defending, explaining, analyzing, or preaching. Children in distress don’t want to hear any of that.
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Be present to listen—truly listen. It’s helpful to gently encourage them to share more about their experiences and feelings.
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Validate their feelings. Allow them to experience and work through their emotions with calmness and compassion. (“Sweetheart, I know it’s really tough to feel excluded.”)
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Resist the urge to change their feelings or try to make them feel better. This can frustrate them and hinder their personal growth.
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Help your children envision themselves standing tall and feeling proud of their uniqueness. Remind them of what makes them special. (“You are kind, intelligent, humorous, and creative…”) However, be sure to do this only after they’ve had the chance to express their emotions and are ready to receive this affirmation.
- In the days ahead, gently remind them that they can overcome this challenge and that they are not defined or diminished by it.
Your teenagers will navigate life’s challenges based on how they observe you managing yours. Be a role model for them on how to confront tough situations with calmness and creativity. What a remarkable gift this will be for them!
