by Susan Sugerman | Contributor
Question: How can we communicate with our children to share wisdom and protect them from the tough lessons we faced in our youth?
Answer: The answer may surprise you: it’s important to listen more than talk.
By the time children enter their teenage years, we’ve had many chances to offer guidance and share advice. At this stage, teens often do the bulk of their learning independently. During adolescence, their brains undergo significant changes, refining neural connections based on their own experiences. They learn through direct involvement, influenced by events and the emotions tied to them. Reflect on this: our most vivid memories typically arise from the lessons of our own missteps rather than from lectures delivered by our parents. When children learn from their experiences, they gain lasting wisdom.
However, as parents, we still have insights to share and wish to stay involved in their growth. How can we support their independence while continuing to have a positive impact on their development?
Building Connections for Good Conversation
Begin by cultivating connections that encourage constructive dialogue. Strengthen your bond through non-judgmental, often non-verbal, shared moments. Establish enjoyable, routine activities such as taking walks together, watching a favorite TV show, or baking on rainy days. These shared experiences create “safe zones” for interaction, regardless of any friction between you. Maintaining these connected relationships opens the door for valuable discussions when they matter most.
The Power of Listening
When your child feels ready to talk, practice restraint. Assume the role of a listener, allowing them to express themselves without interruption. By this time, they are well aware of our perspectives and can even recite our advice back to us. What they seek is an opportunity to articulate their own thoughts, using their reasoning to process experiences and form judgments. You can help guide this conversation subtly with thoughtful prompts like “Hmm” or “What happened next?” With a few gentle nudges, you can steer the dialogue in a meaningful direction. Even in situations where consequences are necessary, use “active listening” to help your child figure out their misstep and determine steps for moving forward (“What do you think you should do now?”).
When children dominate the conversation without our immediate reactions, opinions, or criticisms, they are more inclined to continue sharing. Continued dialogue allows them to make connections on their own. They learn to associate cause and effect with their personal experiences, which fosters adaptability in future situations. By interjecting, we risk disrupting this important learning process. Just as toddlers need to learn how to solve problems independently, so do teens.
When we talk less, we enhance the chance that our kids will turn to us when they need guidance in the future. When they understand that we will listen rather than react hastily, involve them in problem-solving, and provide a safe space for their concerns, we become a trustworthy resource instead of an authority figure they feel the need to evade.
The less we speak, the more they discover for themselves, and those lessons truly resonate. If we succeed in this approach, they will continue to hear our guidance even in our silence.
The Art of Listening
Be Available
Teens tend to express their emotional needs unexpectedly, often at times that may not align with our availability. They could seek conversation late at night when you’re tired and less inclined for lengthy discussions. Seize the opportunities for engagement, or you may find they don’t reach out at all.
Eye Contact is Overrated
While adults often prefer direct eye contact during conversations, teens might feel more comfortable discussing emotional issues without having to look directly at you. Utilize parallel activities that allow for conversation, such as driving together or doing chores.
Curb the Interruptions
Practice patience with silence. Teens need time to reflect on information, process their feelings, and arrive at their own conclusions. Allow the mental gears to turn without interrupting them with questions or advice, as interjecting can inhibit their ability to learn from the experience.
Be a Consultant, Not a Coach
If your child seeks your opinion, they will ask for it. If you feel compelled to share your thoughts, seek permission first with questions like “Would you like my advice?” or “I have some suggestions if you’re open to hearing them.” Even when discipline is necessary, allow your child to propose solutions (“What do you think we should do about this?”). They may come up with even stricter consequences than you would have considered.
For more information or to reach Dr. Sugerman, contact Girls to Women and Young Men’s Health and Wellness, www.GTW-Health.com.
Originally published 4/17
