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by Dr. Susan Sugerman | Contributor
We are living in a relatively comfortable and low-stress era, at least regarding our daily experiences as Americans. While exceptions exist, many of us aren’t preoccupied with worries like whether our children will have enough food, access to education, or be conscripted into military service. Children today are generally expected to finish high school, and attending college is often viewed as essential for long-term success. Consequently, childhood can feel like a race toward higher education, heavily focused on building a standout resume for admission into the “ideal” university.
As a result, the dynamics of childhood and parenting have shifted significantly. Families often function similarly to businesses, primarily producing success-ready children. The documentary “Race to Nowhere” vividly illustrates how children are being raised with increasingly narrow definitions of success. They gauge their worth through metrics such as standardized test scores, GPAs, awards in sports or academics, class rankings, and college acceptances. This approach fosters a culture of unhealthy competition, where children’s achievements are constantly compared against one another.
In a society obsessed with categorizing accomplishments as bad, good, better, or best, kids—who are still figuring out how to communicate, learn, and navigate their evolving identities—are under immense stress. We’ve lost the ability to accept the natural variations that come with childhood development. Child development is inherently uneven, differing among individuals and even in the same child. A child who is a late bloomer might not gain the physical prowess needed to excel in sports until late in high school, while a gifted musician might find themselves pigeonholed early on, missing the chance to explore different musical interests. Both scenarios risk leading to self-esteem issues: the athlete may feel inadequate after being cut from the team, while the musician could face burnout from not being able to explore other passions, often asking themselves, “For what purpose?”
As parents, we might find ourselves pushing our children to achieve too much, or conversely, not supporting their ambitions adequately. There’s no clear right approach, and societal pressures only complicate matters. If a young athlete doesn’t take extra training or make an elite youth team by seventh grade, he might feel his sporting dreams are over. The competitive atmosphere leaves no room for those who simply play for enjoyment. If we allow a budding musician to take a break from practice, there’s a fear that they may fall behind their peers, jeopardizing their college scholarship chances. Is pushing our kids leading to positive outcomes, or is it detrimental? And if we permit them to step back, what will that mean for their futures? I often feel caught in a dilemma, wanting to defy societal expectations while fearing my child might miss out.
What can we do to support our children? A crucial first step is to reassess our expectations. When I talk to adults, they often express, “I just want my child to be happy.” Yet, when probed further, many clarify that they define happiness as being content in life, enjoying meaningful relationships, and finding fulfilling work—not merely accumulating awards or accolades.
Encourage your children to seek their own version of success, which is more meaningful to them personally. According to Ken Ginsburg, MD, an expert on raising resilient youth, “authentic success” encompasses happiness, the ability to form and sustain meaningful relationships, generosity, compassion, a desire to give back, creativity, innovation, and resilience. (Referencing “Letting Go with Love and Confidence”)
We promote authentic success by discouraging the notion that children must excel in every area to achieve. Instead, help them recognize that everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Celebrate their academic success while also emphasizing that they are more than their grades or standardized test results. Encourage them to value learning through failure, as it allows them to understand their limits and discover areas for improvement. When children fear failure, they are less likely to venture into new experiences, potentially limiting their overall growth.
It’s essential for them to enjoy all aspects of their lives, including those they might not excel in. Rest assured, there is a college out there where they will thrive.
PARENTING TIPS FOR GENUINE SUCCESS
Building a strong parent-child relationship is vital for fostering genuine success in today’s youth. One of the greatest parental responsibilities is to prepare our children to become independent and successful members of society.
Overparenting or what I call loving our children excessively, is one of the most significant barriers to their independent growth. Madeline Levine states, “Don’t do for your kids what they can already do; don’t do for your kids what they can almost do because that’s where they have those successful failures.” Consistency, reliability, and availability are critical qualities for nurturing a robust parent-child bond.
Here are some practical strategies for raising well-adjusted children in a competitive and high-pressure environment:
• Take time to connect DAILY
• Allow them to make mistakes
• Have family meals
• Listen to their feelings and ideas
• Spend quality time together without technology interruptions
• Practice mindful stress reduction
• Provide opportunities for problem-solving
• Teach emotional intelligence
• Foster resilience
• Focus on character rather than numbers
• Avoid comparing your children to others
• Recognize your children’s weaknesses as vital for fostering their identity
• Encourage creativity
• Play!
Contribution made by Miki Johnston, LCSW. She is an affiliate of Girls to Women Health and Wellness.
