What to Do When You Are Caught Off Guard by Divorce
by Paula Bennett | Contributor
Few experiences can leave you feeling as emotionally blindsided as the moment your spouse, someone you once trusted deeply, reveals that your marriage has ended. This reaction is completely natural. In fact, the Holmes-Rahe Life Stress Inventory indicates that only the death of a spouse is considered more stressful than divorce or separation.
If the divorce comes as a shock and is something you did not desire, the feelings of stress can become even more overwhelming due to confusion, uncertainty, and intense emotions. Allow yourself some time to grieve, whether that means crying or finding another outlet, then gather your strength and start seeking a competent family law attorney. Although it may not feel like it now, you can still regain control over your future.
This may be the first instance where you need to engage an attorney, so it is understandable if you feel lost. If friends or family have experienced divorce, you could ask if they would recommend their attorney. However, remember that your situation might differ significantly from theirs, and you might require someone more suited to your specific needs. Several reliable websites offer helpful client reviews. The most critical factor is finding someone you trust.
Almost every decision made during divorce involves financial considerations, so regardless of whether you’ve managed the family finances or rarely looked at the bank account, it’s essential to have a comprehensive understanding of your “financial household.”
If you do not have a clear insight into your family’s typical monthly expenses, it’s crucial to invest time in creating an accurate budget. This will enable your attorney to assess whether temporary support is necessary during the divorce process.
Before your first consultation with your lawyer, gather a file of essential financial details that can aid both of you in preparing for upcoming negotiations and potential court proceedings:
• A list of your assets and debts, along with any documentation that verifies the value of your assets.
• Recent statements for all accounts under each spouse’s name, whether individually or jointly. This includes bank accounts, investment accounts, retirement accounts, credit cards, mortgages, and loans.
• If you do not have access to account statements, write down as much information as possible regarding each asset and liability.
• Personal and business tax returns.
• Any estate planning documents that have been signed by you or your spouse.
• Recent pay stubs for each spouse.
Once you have lined up the basic information, you will need to be ready for a more thorough analysis of your financial situation. Most couples, regardless of the length of their marriage, acquire personal property (such as jewelry, pets, or benefits) as well as real estate (like your home) during their time together. Your attorney will help clarify how this marital property is usually divided and guide you on who will be responsible for shared debts during and after the divorce.
Even though Texas courts do not have the authority to take away separate property (assets you obtained before the marriage or received as an individual gift or inheritance during the marriage), it’s important to inform your attorney about such property to ensure it remains protected from court proceedings.
Most importantly, if you have minor children, be sure to ask your attorney the following critical questions:
• What factors will the court contemplate when determining custody?
• How are parental rights and obligations determined?
• How and when will custody decisions be made?
• What is considered in determining child support, and when can it be expected?
Make sure to communicate any special emotional, educational, or physical needs your child may have, so your attorney can address these appropriately with the court.
It’s essential to recognize the emotional impact that ongoing divorce litigation can have on both you and your children. While you might initially find solace in confiding in friends and family, if it starts to feel overwhelming for you or your children, do not hesitate to reach out for support from a mental health professional.
Editor’s Note: Paula Bennett is a Partner with Orsinger, Nelson, Downing & Anderson, LLP. She can be reached at www.ondafamilylaw.com or by calling 214.273.2400.
