By Dr. Dean Beckloff / Contributor
Co-parenting can be quite challenging, especially when two parents have separated and are now living in different homes. If two adults have decided that they can no longer coexist, is it truly possible to co-parent without conflicts? It’s a difficult question to ponder! However, there is no alternative if we want our children to grow up healthy, strong, and flourishing.
Here are some tips to consider as you embark on the co-parenting journey:
1) Focus on the Child, Not the Issues
When we concentrate solely on the issues at hand, we often overlook the needs of the child. It’s easy to focus on what’s wrong with the other parent, but remember that your children need both their Dad and their Mom. By prioritizing your child’s needs and looking at the positive aspects, you will navigate co-parenting successfully.
2) Embrace Flexibility
Flexibility, both in minor and major matters, is critical. Bill Eddy, an author who specializes in co-parenting, emphasizes that inflexibility often leads to problems in co-parenting situations. When children feel inflexible, it complicates family life and can lead to significant difficulties. For instance, shortly after my divorce, I was in the car with my two daughters when my 10-year-old became ill and expressed a need for her Mom. Although it was my designated time with her, I decided to call her mother, who was available to help. That decision was made with my daughter’s needs in mind. Being flexible is essential for co-parenting success.
3) Manage Your Emotions
Emotions can be infectious. Bill Eddy points out that it’s important to keep your feelings in check. If you are heated over an issue with your co-parent, your child will also feel that tension. While it may feel justified to express your anger, sharing those feelings with your children only harms their emotional stability. Instead, find a healthy outlet for your feelings—talk to a friend, exercise, or take a walk. After processing your emotions, return your focus to your child. Successfully managing your emotions can lead to a positive co-parenting experience.
4) Let Go of Fairness
The concept of fairness does not exist in child-rearing, particularly in co-parenting situations. When you fixate on fairness, you may overlook the child’s needs and risk escalating conflicts, potentially leading to court battles. Research indicates that court interventions can create stress in both homes, negatively affecting the child’s psychological, emotional, and academic well-being. If court is necessary, approach it cautiously, as it may do more harm than good. Instead of seeking fairness, concentrate on what your child truly needs, even if you feel mistreated. The priority should be ensuring your child grows into a well-adjusted adult. By putting your child first and disregarding fairness, you ensure success in your co-parenting efforts.
You have the potential to be a successful co-parent! This journey demands unwavering commitment and love. However, the rewards of raising children who are emotionally healthy and psychologically strong as they transition into adulthood are invaluable. Wishing you the best as you strive to nurture responsible adults!
Editor’s Note: Dr. Dean Beckloff is a pediatric behavior specialist and the founder of The Beckloff Pediatric Behavior Center. You can reach him at 972.250.1700 or www.drbeckloff.com.
