Adding flexibility to holiday traditions can maintain joy for children of divorce
BY KARYN BRODSKY
Many people hold their holiday customs as “the way it has always been,” but a divorce or separation can complicate those plans. Adjustments then become necessary.
Lon Loveless, a Board Certified family attorney at Orsinger, Nelson, Downing & Anderson in Dallas, points out that holidays often bring added stress. “Regardless of any animosity you might feel towards your spouse or ex-spouse, remember that the focus should be on the kids,” he advises. “Avoid harming the children’s perception of their relationship with that parent. Ultimately, both parents brought these children into the world, and if they view one parent negatively, it can affect their self-esteem.”
Loveless emphasizes that disputes over family traditions and divorce can be particularly challenging for children. “It’s essential to collaborate with the other parent on which holidays the children will spend with each parent. Communicate well in advance and in a way that is appropriate for their age,” he suggests. “For instance, if one parent has Christmas, the other might take Thanksgiving.” He also encourages sharing plans about holiday travel and events with the other parent to prevent children from being caught in the middle.
While the Texas Family Code outlines specific holidays such as Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, the child’s birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and school breaks with the best interests of the children in mind, Loveless notes that these principles can also apply to other cultural celebrations. “For a Jewish family, it might involve determining which night of Chanukah is spent with which parent.”
Loveless suggests discussing the situation with the children ahead of time to alleviate stress, and if needed, involving counselors. Dr. Dean Beckloff, a Licensed Professional Counselor at Beckloff Pediatric Behavioral Center in Dallas, assists children and their parents in addressing holiday tradition matters. “My focus is on the children and what is best for them,” he explains. “For example, it might be possible for mom or dad to come over for part of Christmas. If that becomes too stressful, then it’s necessary to split the holidays.” He warns that, even in hostile separations, parents should still aim to uphold traditions, but perhaps in different households to prevent conflict, which can harm the children. Conversely, if parents can gather during the holidays, they must avoid creating false hope of reconciliation for the kids.
Dr. Beckloff advises parents to strive for normalcy: stability and predictability, so as not to disrupt the children’s lives. “I suggest keeping traditions intact, especially early in a divorce,” he notes. “It’s natural for some things to change—such as dad not attending family gatherings anymore.”
Traditions hold significant value, according to Dr. Beckloff, and most parents aim to minimize conflict during the season to enhance the holiday spirit. “You want to create a joyful atmosphere during the holidays. If parents maintain a steady demeanor, it’s best for the kids,” he notes. “Holidays are about family togetherness, even if that means in two separate homes. Over the years, new traditions will emerge as children mature and begin to forge their own identities.”
