How Should Parents Respond to Their Child’s Disappointments?
By Dr. Dean Beckloff | Contributor
Aspirations are wonderful! Often, we as parents witness our children passionately pursuing their goals. It’s a moment of pride when they embark on a journey towards an achievement they deeply desire. I recall my daughter deciding to try out for the cheerleading team in junior high. She dedicated herself to practice and eventually auditioned. To our delight, she made the team! The joy was palpable, and she deserved accolades not just for her success but for her determination and strong work ethic.
However, what happens when they don’t achieve their goals? When the effort they put into a project doesn’t yield the expected grade? Or when a student perseveres, only to end up with another setback? Then what?
How can we guide our kids to confront challenges with dignity and self-worth, even when faced with embarrassment? How do we instill the resilience to rise, shake off disappointments, and press on?
There are no simple solutions, and responses can swing to extremes. One extreme is to overlook the situation. We recognize the hurt, the sorrow, and perhaps even grief. We want to avoid worsening the situation, and we may feel disappointed ourselves. Sometimes, we simply don’t know how to respond, leading us to remain silent, wishing our children well silently.
The opposite extreme is over-involvement. In this case, a parent may try to protect the child from negative emotions and consequences. They might shift the blame onto others, such as another student or a teacher, and “hover” over the child’s emotional responses, refusing to recognize the disappointment and its accompanying feelings. This confusion teaches the child that they must never fail. They learn that experiencing failure is unbearable and difficult to handle.
<pWhen my daughter tried out for the high school cheerleading team at the end of eighth grade, she was dedicated, optimistic, and enthusiastic, yet she did not make it. Later that evening at a school function, she had to witness other girls receiving flowers for their accomplishments. It was a painful moment for her, and understandably, it was difficult for her parents as well.
So, how can parents support their child during such profound disappointment?
First, don’t ignore the situation. Acknowledge the pain and disillusionment. Facing it is essential.
Second, refrain from trying to eliminate the pain or downplay it. Avoid placing blame elsewhere. Do not fall into helicopter parenting.
Disappointments are inevitable. Someone once referred to parents as “journeymates” on the path of overcoming failures. This is a time to accompany them. Here are some guiding principles:
1 | Don’t take over tasks that your children can manage. When you allow them the space to handle their challenges, you express confidence in their abilities, reassuring them of their strength.
2 | Validate the pain and disappointment. Provide understanding of how challenging it can be. Don’t remain silent.
3 | Help your child understand the reality of the situation. It is natural for anyone to question their abilities at such times. Disappointment doesn’t signal the end of opportunities. Assist them in processing their grief within a realistic framework.
4 | Encourage them to rise again and move forward. They have the strength to continue despite setbacks and feelings of humiliation.
As for my daughter? It was a tough experience, but I believe she gleaned valuable lessons. She discovered her inner strength and uncovered her resilience. She recognized who her true friends were. Ultimately, she learned to confront adversity and humiliation, rising above it. It took time, of course, but time is secondary. What truly matters is the understanding of one’s inner strength and the richness of character that emerges during personal trials. Be a supportive companion for your child and navigate these moments alongside them.
