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By Dr. Dean Beckloff | Contributor
The Joy of Parenting and Its Challenges
Parents have high hopes for their children. We are captivated by our little ones, eagerly anticipating their first steps and first words, and celebrating all their milestones—from their first soccer game to the transition into school, high school, and college. We love our kids deeply, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
When Adoration Becomes Overbearing
However, at what point does this adoration shift into something less beneficial? When do our aspirations for them morph into expectations they must fulfill? When does our encouragement to pursue excellence turn into the imposition of our own dreams—rather than fostering their individuality?
We witness parents crossing the line. The parent who yells on the sidelines after a mistake, or the one who goes to extremes to ensure their child gains admission to prestigious schools—such as the recent news stories of parents facing jail time for cheating on behalf of their children. Any parent who shifts from supportive encouragement to outright yelling has likely overstepped.
Fear as a Driving Force
Why do parents cross these boundaries? Fear seems to be a primary motivator for many of these transgressions. For example, consider Felicity Huffman; her choice to cheat for her daughter stemmed from fear—fear that her daughter wouldn’t get into her desired college, or that she wouldn’t score well enough. This type of fear can drive parents to exert immense pressure, or even commit unethical acts, for their children.
The Consequences of Crossing the Line
When parents give in to their fears regarding their child’s future, they transition from being supportive to denying their child the affirmation they need. Felicity Huffman’s daughter famously questioned, “Didn’t you believe in me?” Such actions suggest to children that the possibility of failure is unacceptable, ultimately instilling in them a belief that they are incapable of handling setbacks. Overstepping boundaries erodes a child’s confidence in dealing with life’s challenges.
Increasing the Risk of Loss
By taking over their child’s objectives, parents risk serious repercussions. This shift can lead to a strained relationship marked by anger, anxiety, depression, behavioral issues, and poor academic performance. The natural process of individuation, during which teens distance themselves from their parents to become self-reliant, becomes hindered. When parents impose their own dreams, it fosters resentment and frustration, creating a negative cycle where more problems arise.
Finding the Balance in Love
It’s completely natural for parents to worry about their children. Deep care can sometimes compel them to act excessively. However, we must remember that our goal is to nurture our teens into the individuals they wish to become.
- Encourage them.
- Provide them with the affirmation they need.
- When your teen expresses a desire to join the army, despite your hopes for them to pursue law, don’t react with panic. Instead, support their pursuit of their own dreams.
- As they prepare for the SAT, remain calm. If they don’t achieve their goals, they will still need your encouragement to try again.
Let’s build up our teenagers. Let’s genuinely believe in their capabilities; trust in their strength to stand up after a stumble, to shake off setbacks, and to keep trying.
Editor’s Note: Dr. Dean Beckloff is a pediatric therapist, school counselor, and a trainer who specializes in supporting children and families through divorce and other life challenges. He is the founder of the Beckloff Behavioral Center in Dallas. For inquiries, comments, or consultations, Dr. Beckloff can be contacted via the Beckloff Pediatric Behavioral Center: DrBeckloff.com / 972.250.1700
