By Holly Rampy Baird | Contributor
As a family law attorney, I have assisted numerous blended families of various configurations. However, the blended family that I know best is the one in which I was raised. While I could explain the specific roles of each family member—such as “stepmom,” “stepdad,” “biological parent,” and “half-sister”—such labels are not necessary. To me, they are simply family.
How do you achieve that level of love and acceptance, you might wonder? The truth is, transitioning from a divorced family scenario to a harmonious, blended family is challenging and doesn’t happen overnight. Like any family relationship, it requires continuous effort. Blended families encompass a range of relationships that must be nurtured consistently.
However, it is achievable! My family experience is not an outlier. Over the years, I have worked with many clients who have successfully navigated the difficult “divorce phase” and created blended families.
Based on my observations in practice, conversations with clients over the years, and my personal experiences, here are some tips for those seeking a happy, functional blended family.
Avoid Negative and Disparaging Talk
The foundation of a successful blended family often lies with the parents. There can be deep emotions and pain associated with the end of a relationship, and feelings of anger or bitterness are not uncommon. However, for a peaceful blended family to emerge, minimizing a toxic co-parenting relationship is essential.
It is critical for parents to avoid speaking negatively about one another in front of their children. They must carefully shield children from the intricacies of the divorce or any ongoing legal matters. In family law cases, courts often implement legal injunctions forbidding each parent from disparaging the other or discussing litigation in the child’s presence.
Parents should also remember that children are highly perceptive—more so than they might realize. Even subtle negative comments or body language can convey to children that problems exist, even if overtly negative talk is avoided.
Children should feel free to love both sides of their family and be able to share their experiences freely. The key is to eliminate all negative discourse regarding the other parent or family unit.
Parents (Not Children) Should Make Parenting Decisions
Parenting decisions should be made by the parents, not the children. It can be harmful for children to be placed in a position where they must make adult decisions. Unfortunately, this is a frequent occurrence.
For instance, if a father asks to change the weekend schedule so his daughter can attend an event with his family, the mother might instinctively say, “I’ll ask her.” In our society, we may feel that children should have a say in everything. However, by doing so, the daughter may feel forced to choose between her parents, causing her anxiety that could manifest in multiple ways within the family. Presenting a united front is always preferable.
Do Not Hesitate to Seek Professional Help
In my experience, seeking professional assistance is often the most beneficial step a family can take to navigate the emotional challenges that arise with broken and blended families. There are numerous resources available today for blended families.
Parents should strongly consider individual therapy for themselves and each child, regardless of the child’s age. In certain instances, family therapy might be suggested by individual therapists. During family law disputes, a parenting facilitator or coordinator might be appointed to help parents manage day-to-day parenting issues healthily and without court involvement. For families where a child has experienced alienation from one parent, specialized counseling known as reunification therapy can help repair the strained relationship.
Every family is unique, so solutions that work for one might not work for another. Additionally, in cases of abuse or untreated substance abuse, not all recommendations may be suitable or feasible. Regardless of the circumstances, parents should actively seek education, resources, and support to equip their family with the necessary tools for success.
Editor’s Note: Holly Rampy Baird is a Family Law attorney with the boutique firm Orsinger, Nelson, Downing & Anderson, LLP. An attorney dedicated to finding peaceful resolutions for her clients, Holly addresses all types of Family Law issues, including child custody matters. She can be reached at www.ondafamilylaw.com.
