By Deborah W. Dobbs | Contributor
You’ve likely encountered the saying or seen countless memes suggesting that in order to love others, you must first love yourself. While this might sound wise, I disagree entirely. I’ve observed people who are deeply self-critical yet capable of immense love. I’ve known individuals who are harsh on themselves but still give love freely to friends, family, and acquaintances. The inner critic doesn’t always prevail when someone chooses to love another.
Before I continue, it’s important to clarify that when I discuss love, I am referring to actions rather than the emotions linked with love or being in love. The love I’m talking about encompasses patience, service, compassion, encouragement, forgiveness, and acceptance. This love can be romantic, but also extends to the affection shared with friends, parents, or children.
While I don’t subscribe to the belief that one must love themselves in order to love others, I do think that having self-love can enhance the experience of love.
I shared this perspective with my colleagues at The Counseling Place and explored online resources. I found support for my view, and certain themes and connections emerged consistently.
The Connection Between Happiness & Love
Happiness comprises various elements, focusing on overall well-being and emotional health. Although happiness and love often coexist, they are not synonymous. Love influences happiness but is not a straightforward pathway to it. In contrast, happiness has a direct impact on how well someone can both give and receive love, as well as on how they cope with negative emotions that love can sometimes bring.
When individuals dwell on their perceived shortcomings, they limit their capacity for happiness. Restricted happiness can, in turn, diminish their ability to engage in deep, meaningful relationships. They can still love, but not to their full potential.
Love & Reciprocity
Love involves both giving and receiving. When people struggle with self-worth, they may feel undeserving of love and resist accepting it from others. This rejection can lead to an imbalance in the relationship. Over time, denying the love offered by others can harm the relationship.
Sometimes, the refusal to accept expressions of love can serve as a subtle means to exert control or power. However, this dynamic weakens connections and inhibits a relationship’s growth. While people can share their love with others, if they are unwilling to accept love in return, they lose out on valuable experiences.
Self-Acceptance, Happiness, & Love
Self-acceptance emerged as a dominant theme in the insights I gathered from my team. Kyleigh Johnson, a therapist primarily working with children, assists young people in shedding the weight of what they lack and encouraging them to recognize their existing positives. She also addresses perfectionism, which poses a significant obstacle to self-acceptance.
Johnson introduced me to The Gifts of Imperfection, where author Brené Brown highlights the distinction between aspiring to be our best (a healthy pursuit) and perfectionism (which is unhealthy). Brown describes perfectionism as an attempt to evade pain, suggesting that if we achieve perfection, we can dodge unfortunate events. She likens it to a heavy shield we carry, believing it will protect us, when in reality, it hinders our ability to soar.
Embracing self-acceptance boosts mental health and fosters happiness. Self-acceptance involves recognizing that being imperfect is a shared human trait and acknowledges that these imperfections distinguish one person from another. It also encompasses treating oneself with compassion, patience, and grace, as well as forgiving oneself for errors and lapses in memory.
All these behaviors are also forms of love. When an individual opts for self-acceptance, love flows more freely, allowing everyone to experience love in a richer manner.
Editor’s Note: Deborah W. Dobbs is the Executive Director of The Counseling Place, a nonprofit organization providing affordable professional and educational services and counseling. Reach her at 469.283.0242 or counselingplace.org.
