Embracing the Transition to an Empty Nest
By Chris Oldner | Contributor
There are many benefits to experiencing an empty nest:
– No more arguments between siblings.
– A deep breath after the tumult of teenage years.
– The quiet pride in successfully guiding your children into their next chapter.
– Freedom from the demands of parenting and the need to keep children focused and thriving.
– The luxury of using the bathroom without interruptions.
Sending the last of your children off to college and dealing with the resulting feeling of no longer being “needed” can strain an already shaky marital relationship. What once felt like a committed 20-plus-year marriage focused on child-rearing may now feel lost in a sea of uncertainty.
Previously, the commitment to staying together was for the sake of the children. With them grown and away, the question arises: why continue the relationship? This can lead to a daunting transition from being kid-centric parents back to being spouses. It requires rediscovering who your partner is today, what they need, and what they want.
This journey often leads to a need to rediscover who you are now, what you require, and what you desire. This process can be challenging, often raising more questions than it answers and leading to difficult decisions.
You reach a stage in life where you should be able to concentrate on yourself, your partner, and exploring shared passions. Yet, you find yourself questioning everything. The answers might lead you to unexpected places.
In such moments, you might find yourself in a courtroom, revisiting every grievance—each slight from the past several decades. All the forgotten anniversaries, the unwashed dishes, the endless hurtful remarks, and those seemingly minor irritations become magnified.
Children may unexpectedly take sides, social media can explode with drama, dating profiles may be created, and retirement savings may dissolve to finance legal battles.
After nearly 17 years in a black robe, observing this scenario unfold repeatedly, I began to wonder if a long-lasting marriage is more of a rare coincidence. Maintaining a relationship is no simple task.
People evolve, and no one is the same person they were when they fell in love and married years ago. Staying in tune with each other’s needs while maintaining your own individuality can be hard work.
Perhaps enduring and even enjoying your spouse’s company after many years of marriage is just a matter of chance. Some view this as destined; we didn’t fail, it’s just fate. Others find this notion frightening. From seeing the outcomes of tens of thousands of divorces and the unique stories behind each, I recognize luck as a factor, but it is not the only, nor the primary, reason.
Certain traits commonly appear when long-term marriages break down in midlife, but there is no straightforward checklist for ensuring a marriage’s longevity. These essential elements include accepting the person your spouse has become, respecting both their individuality and your own, communicating sincerely, and continually choosing to stay with your spouse despite their flaws.
If the wounds from your marriage feel irreparable and you think separation is necessary, consult with an experienced family law attorney to explore your options. Don’t make the mistake of assuming legal counsel isn’t necessary simply because your children are adults; such an assumption can have devastating consequences.
The financial complexities involved in ending a long-term marriage necessitate a level of knowledge and expertise that only a family law expert can provide. If you’re seriously considering divorce, it might be wise to consult an attorney before discussing your decision with your spouse. This approach will help you understand the ramifications of your choice, particularly if you’ve been a stay-at-home spouse or if there is a significant income disparity. Divorce will significantly influence your financial stability, and being prepared for that reality is vital.
Each stage of marriage places distinct demands on a couple, tailored to their individual family dynamics. The initial excitement of new love often carries through the early days. Shared purpose and child-rearing responsibilities typically occupy the middle years, while uncertainty and reassessment may characterize the later phases. Ideally, this journey also allows for recommitment, growth, and renewal.
Finding yourself without the purpose that has guided you for decades, facing a partner you feel estranged from, can be daunting. However, it may similarly present a thrilling opportunity to embark on the next chapter of your life with renewed commitment to each other and a fresh understanding of yourselves.
Editor’s Note: Judge Chris Oldner is a partner at Orsinger, Nelson, Downing & Anderson, LLP, a family law firm that assists clients facing significant legal matters, including divorce, child custody, parental rights, and property division. He can be reached at www.ondafamilylaw.com.
