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“It can be tempting to nag our children over their actions or inactions, but experts suggest that following certain basic principles can lead to greater compliance and a more harmonious family dynamic.”
“Parents often fall into the habit of simply expecting their children to comply with their requests, and nagging becomes a reactive method to achieve that compliance,” explains Dr. Linda Kudla, a clinical psychologist at The Child and Family Institute.
Dr. Kudla notes that adolescents frequently respond to nagging by either distancing themselves from their parents, which creates a cycle of increased nagging, or by exhibiting more defiant behaviors such as evasion, dishonesty, or sneaking around.
Dr. Sherry Kelly, a clinical psychologist and neuropsychologist in Hartford, Connecticut, adds, “Nagging often stems from differing expectations. When parents and teens have fundamentally different expectations, disappointment leads to nagging.”
Dr. Kelly emphasizes that parents should minimize nagging, as it can contribute to the development of anxiety and depression in teenagers.
Here are some strategies parents can adopt to alter their nagging behavior:
Clarify Expectations
It’s crucial for parents to specify their expectations so they and their teenagers are aligned.
“Parents frequently have expectations that go beyond the reality of life situations. Be straightforward about what you’re hoping for from your teen, and take the time to understand their desires as well,” advises Dr. Kelly.
Recognize that Nagging is Rooted in Fear
Identify the fears that may be triggering your nagging behavior, and either address these concerns with your teen or find ways to cope with them.
“Nagging can be an expression of anxiety. Parents often feel anxious about their child’s well-being, and nagging offers a false sense of control that alleviates that anxiety,” states Amy Rollo, a licensed psychotherapist in Houston, Texas.
Acknowledge this is a Normal Developmental Stage
Teens’ failure to follow through on parental requests can be attributed to their natural progression toward independence.
“Teenagers are at a stage where they are seeking autonomy. It’s normal for them to challenge authority or not always comply, as this is part of their developmental journey,” explains Rollo.
Amanda Sasek, MS LMFT, a licensed marriage & family therapist in Plymouth, Minnesota agrees, stating, “Parents must recognize this behavior as a standard developmental phase and adapt to it rather than resist. They should remind themselves daily that a teen’s noncompliance isn’t a personal affront but a search for control at a time when they feel powerless.”
“Teenagers are at a stage where they are seeking autonomy. It’s normal for them to challenge authority or not always comply, as this is part of their developmental journey.”
- Amy Rollo, M.A., LSSP, LPA, LPC
Set Collaborative Goals with Your Teen
When parents and teenagers share common goals, cooperation is more likely.
“Take the time to sit down with your teen and discuss necessary chores, asking them what they would prefer to handle and when,” suggests Sasek.
Dr. Kudla recommends a respectful approach where parents observe and discuss the situation, moving towards a democratic solution.
“For instance, instead of demanding, say, ‘I’ve noticed your room isn’t clean yet. Can we talk about what’s going on?’ Then, acknowledge their reasons and see how you can assist,” she adds. “You may inquire if they need additional time or support and propose a fun activity to celebrate once the task is complete.”
Transform Nagging into Encouragement
Dean Beckloff, PhD, LPC-S, founder of The Beckloff Behavioral Center in Dallas, Texas, advises that instead of viewing parental guidance as nagging, it should be seen as gently guiding teens towards better choices. He emphasizes using fewer words and selecting them carefully to avoid coming off as nagging.
“The way you speak to a teen should mirror how you’d address an adult,” Beckloff suggests.
Dr. Kelly introduces the concept of PAR: Prepare, Accommodate, and Reframe, as a method to break the nagging cycle.
“Prepare for situations that typically provoke nagging. Next, acknowledge your feelings of frustration; finally, reframe nagging into a more constructive response,” she explains. “This approach is crucial as nagging often masquerades as criticism, which teens might perceive negatively.”
Experts agree that most issues can be resolved through compromise, and when adolescents feel understood and respected by their parents, they are more likely to foster stronger relationships and experience reduced stress during their challenging teenage years.
“A teen is looking to be treated more like an adult so determine how you would say something to an adult and do the same with your teen.”
- Dean Beckloff, PhD, LPC-S
Express Gratitude
“Research shows that expressing gratitude activates the brain, alleviates stress, and promotes well-being,” notes Dr. Kelly.
Showing appreciation for your teens’ contributions is likely to encourage them to continue their helpful behavior.
Dr. Beckloff also points out that seeking external support, whether it be from teachers, tutors, or counselors, can be beneficial when needed.
